I won't back down I will not bow I've come to bring you hell

So I’m getting out of the car at Macey’s, and this short Laitno man comes up to me.
“Hey, can you help me?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. What’s up?”
“My truck is broke down. And…”
“So you need to make a phone call?”
I can’t remember what he said next.
“You need some help working on your truck?”
“No I need some gas.”
“Well, I can give you a buck I pull out my wallet and hand him a dollar.”
“Actually, do you have more like seven or eight.”
“For a gas can? I can run home can get you one.”
“No, the gas station has one, I just don’t have any money for gas. My ATM card doesn’t work he pulls out his wallet some how proving that he’s telling the truth”
“Well, why don’t I take you to the gas station, and I can fill it up for you.”
He hesistates, then looks over at Macey’s"Don’t you need to go to the store?”
“Yeah, but I can wait He hesitates longer. If you want, I can run in and be out in ten minutes.”
Okay, let me go get the gas can.”
“Alright, I’ll see you in ten minutes”

Now, I’m quickly going through Macey’s wondering weather or not the dude will be there when I return. By the time I get to the cash register, I’m thinking, “You know, this guy might try to mug me. I doubt he’ll try it out in the open because there are cops, and he’ll have nowhere to go. That means he’ll do it in the car. He’s either going to pull out a knife or a gun, and he’ll be on my right. First he’s going to ask for my wallet.”

So what do I do? I pull out my wallet, remove the valuables, and stick them in my front left pocket. “I’m driving my roommate’s car (because my battery was dead), so I can’t let it get stolen. There is no way this guy is stronger or quicker than me, and anything he pulls out will be within arm’s reach. Hopefully it’s a gun, only one dangerous end. You know, an intelligent person would just not let him in the car, but that’s not showing any faith in humanity.”

Conclusion: Letting him in the car with the risk of an attempted mugging is better than insulting him and not showing faith in people.

10 to 15 minutes later I come out of the grocery store and he’s nowhere to be seen. I wait another 5 minutes, drive around to look for him with no luck, and go home.

“Oh, well, I tried. Do you see that?" I look up "I tried to be a good person. I tried to do what’s right. You better not for forget this. I'd better get all kinds of presents now.”* I go home figuring the guy just wanted some money but still afraid I was wrong about him and should have waited another ten minutes.

Lesson learned: I’m an idiot.

*I didn't really look up as if to speak to diety. I just thought it would be a good thing to add to the story.

Angels, lend me your might. Forfeit all my lives to get just one right.

“Does my butt sweat when I ride home?” That was the first “intelligent” thought I had today. I’m outside about to jump on my bike to go to school, and I notice there is frost on the back of the seat, the main point of contact. “Am I looking at frosted butt sweat? Gross.” The I realized that I have a hard time sweating ANYWHERE while riding the downhill mile and a half route home in sub 40 degree weather. On top of that, the back of the seat is higher than the rest of the bike and hence more susceptible to faster (read: colder) air currents. The material is some kind of synthetic leather which adheres to moisture more easily than any other part of the bike. Conclusion: I’m not a sweaty, nasty old man…yet.

Yesterday was a big day for offending people. Nothing serious but, I found myself in a very high state of mode 2. This means that though I wasn’t trying to belittle others, I showed very little sympathy for their ignorance (read: Mike talks quickly, manner-of-factly, and provides the other party with little time to respond because, once again, he’s already figured out “every” possible thought they could have on the matter and “knows” what they’re about to say.)

ere’s the list of People I probably offended yesterday

Co-workers Chris and Bryce for thinking Star Wars Episode III was an excellent film. (Among other things, I said I thought the movie was proof that Lucas can’t write a script to save his life).
Co-worker Chris for not knowing who Joaquin Phoenix and Christian Bale are.
Co-worker Bryce for not liking Raising Arizona and having an appreciation for the Cohen Brothers.
Roommate Jake for not answering his questions pertaining to my endeavors for the evening.
Roommate Jake and Ben for being pretty-boy shmoozers that girls don’t trust. They aren’t “normal” because they don’t know anything about sports. Ben didn’t even know that BYU had a winning season this year.
Salesman Ben for insulting my intelligence in his usage of 30 minutes of my time to provide 5 minutes of information.
Roommate Ben for not knowing that the U.S. helped put Saddam Hussein back in the 60's and 70's.
Roommate Ben by telling him Captain Moroni probably had family problems. I more or less told the kid that I was plagiarizing my Marine buddy’s thoughts, and that he had no right to argue because he’s never killed anyone.

So I feel a little bad, but truthfully, no one was sorely offended. Nevertheless, I could always afford to be a bit more diplomatic when I talk to people about matters they have an opinion on but poorly understand.

The limecat is not pleased. (Thanks Thirdmango).

but once the satellite's deceased, it blows like garbage through the streets of the night sky to inifinity

I stayed up talking to my roommates until 2:00a.m. last night. Among many things, we talked about me. I’ve always known that I’m good at accidentally making people feel stupid. I am also good at making them think I think they’re stupid.

As background I’m the most secure person I know, really. There is a world of things I have to prove to myself, but I have nothing whatsoever to prove to anyone else. I really don’t care that you think I’m smart, stupid, fat, athletic, whatever (I would however like you to think I’m good looking, it’s the thing I’m the most insecure about). What you think about me has very little influence on how I see myself. I have nothing to gain by making you look stupid (that is unless I just don't like you).

Anyway, I start conversations because I want to know what people think and why they think it. I’m not positive about this, but I believe I do this for one of two reasons.

1. I want to understand you.
2. You may in some way be able to enhance my viewpoint. Maybe you can help me be smarter or more perceptive. Maybe you can help me see my flaws, so I can better myself. When I’m in the second mode, the idea is the only thing that matters. I’m talking to you because you may have something useful to say.

Now, my problem here is that in this mode, things I already know (or think I know) are sometimes mentioned by the other party. "I’ve already been down that road young padawan. I know what you’re going to say, so I’m moving on. If you can’t keep up, tough luck. I don’t care about you, me, or anything else BUT the idea. It is my sole interest." If I’m not really careful, when I get in this mode, people ALWAYS think I’m being arrogant, and maybe they’re right. I do the thinking for the other person because I can do it faster and get to a more interesting thought sooner.

Note - I fully realize the falacy of such an attitude. Like I said it's a mode I fall into.

I’m thinking about this right now because I had another fluids test last night. I’m notorious for treating tests like I treat people when I’m mode #2. I out think them or think for them. Rather than staying in the realm of the known, I venture to the unknown. This often includes mechanisms that don’t exist, incorrect extrapolations, and logic jumps into bottomless pits. The reason I don’t know this problem ISN’T because I missed something (i.e. the unknown). The reason I don’t know the problem is I’m on a tangent. If I can back up for a second and stick to what I know for certain, I can almost always figure it out.

Last night was a text book case of trying to out think the problem:
1. I see a problem I don’t immediately know how to do.
2. None of the simple solutions work.
3. In a last ditch effort, I start trying to fit the square peg in the circular hole (it never works).
4. Feeling I’m out of options, I panic and mental fatigue sets in.
5. I pull out a bigger hammer and start hitting the peg harder.
6. I miss the problem.

I’m not going to let it ruin my weekend, but I am very angry at myself and will probably be fuming in coulda/woulda/shoulda land for the rest of the weekend.

and freedom yells, it don't cry.

So I had a Carne Asada burrito at Gualbertos for lunch yesterday. The thing was a bit heavy on the cilantro, and let me tell you, it set off something fierce in me.

This part is rather disgusting, so proceed at your own risk.

I don’t know what the deal is. I’ve had more health issues in the past month than in the past two and a half years. First it was my hand, then losing my voice, then food poisoning, and now the cilantro from Hell. That stuff made me burp some kind of funk ALL DAY LONG. My poor roommates. I could have happily lived the rest of my life without knowing what releasing massive quantities of gas from both ends of my gastrointestinal tract for an entire day felt like.

Late that night, I had hopes that all was processed. Nope. I woke up at 2:00am somewhat bloated. Once again, desperate times called for desperate measures, and I sent that vile material (and the day’s dinner) to the throne of justice and slept peacefully all night. When I woke up around 7:15, I found the cilantro had not yet fully relinquished its hold on my inards. Two words: Liquid Fury. Now, though probably brief, I’m back to normal. Bland foods are looking better and better these days.

So have another drink and drive yourself home.

So I took a chiding jab at this kid on Blue Beta, and he got super offended. I didn’t mean for him to interpret it so harshly, but I should have known better anyway. It got me thinking about taking offense.

How much of it is a choice? I can walk down a street, note that no one is looking me in the eye, and get offended because “all these Christians must care about nothing but themselves.” Or I could conclude differently that people are busy, shy, intimidated, or basically any other adjective in the book. No matter what I conclude, that conclusion is up to me as is my reaction.

On a more extreme side, say offense is intended. Say someone comes up to me, calls me a dirty man-whore, informs me that I have an ugly mother, spits in my face, and walks away. Once again, I could conclude, “all this guy cares about is himself and his self-righteous morals. Damn him for not knowing that selling my body is the only way to feed my family of 15 and that my mom has a genetic disorder*.” I could also conclude the guy is confused, deranged, intoxicated, or basically any other adjective in the book.

I guess I should put taking offense up there with worrying. One does it completely at his/her will consequentially gaining nothing but destructive feelings. That said, I should be more careful and remember that right or wrong, smart or stupid, some people should not be antagonized.

*I don't actually have 15 kids, and my mother is quite pretty.

Sometimes these fantasies come true, and now the whole thing misses me.

Yesterday, I had a “honey ham and cheese panini” at the Tanner building. Sounds safe, right? I started feeling a bit queasy afterwards (now I’m thinking it was an omen). I drank a bunch of water and ate my apple a few hours later. No change. I go home at like 8:00 still feeling nauseous. I had some toast with margarine and brown sugar. Turns out that kind of food isn’t good for an upset stomach. After lying in bed for a couple hours without feeling any better, I decide it’s time to bring out the big guns, or fingers so to speak.I commence cramming my fingers down my throat and have the displeasure of tasting everything I ate that day a second time. Apparently, I wasn’t being quiet enough because one of my roommates came in the bathroom and gave me a glass of water to rinse with. What a guy. The one thing that never came out was the ham sandwich. I’m guessing it grew tentacles and fused to my stomach lining. I slept like crap the whole night. This morning I slowly threw myself onto my bike and peddled to school. While walking down the halls, I notice my hamstrings and butt are pretty sore. I like to think that most of my muscles are pretty active, but maybe my puking ones are out of practice. Hmmm.

Now something a little cooler.The length of the lines are earth time (all the same). You can spend your engergy getting older or moving through space. The units mean nothing right now. Eventually, I think I'm going to use equations, but for now, qualitative pictures will have to do it.

Now the length of the lines represent the relative speeds at which you travel. The faster you go, the more earth time you use up..

You've got the GPA but where is the dirty love?

I did it! I get it! I think I can finally VISUALIZE the fourth dimension. Granted, I have to condense the spatial dimensions, but I can finally show you special relativity with a simple graph…sort of. I started to post it, but I think I better work on it a little more. Okay, so it’s not so easy to show, but soon, all shall understand…I don’t know if it’s the fact that Greene is a good author or that after reading about this kind of stuff since I was a freshman, it’s finally solidifying. Probably some of both.

I’ve decided that I’m the kind of person that makes up his mind quickly. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’m about to lay down a bunch of thoughts, so I don’t suggest you read on unless you’re really bored.

After eating lunch with her twice and talking on the phone for 5 minutes, I’ve unofficially decided I’m done with AJ. There’s nothing per se wrong with her. She’s just like the majority of the girls I’ve gotten to know/dated out here in Provo. Pretty, smart, and….well…nothing. I’m finding that as I get older, what I thought were the most stable parts of me are still changing. Maybe I’m finally hitting puberty.

Last night we had this ward banana split social. I’m talking to this girl my roommate went after for a few weeks past. She’s definitely what I’d call a smart girl. Sociology major, plans on going to law school, full tuition scholarship. Not bad I guess..

Now, I don’t believe in categorizing people, but I’ve inadvertently developed these tests (I rarely use them on purpose; they just come out) that allow me to gauge things like movie smarts, general intelligence, or “could you in some alternate universe date Mike.” The tests don’t characterize people in my mind, but if I were to look at all the people I’ve become friends with in over the past three years, I would say the tests read “very yes” 95% of the time.

The one of the general intelligence tests works a little like this:

I find out what you’re interested in and/or what you do professionally/academically. I ask you what you’ve been working on most recently and what kind of significance it holds to you. The response is one of two things.

1) “I’m writing reports on doing research about the trends in the book on the research about the subject focused on the research leading to writing reports on the observations of the surveys on the ideas about the notions leading to the research centered on the ideas…blah blah blah throwing in a four syllable word or two.” “So what have you learned?” The first meaningless chain of words gets repeated. “What kind of conclusion have you found?” “No conclusion? Where do you think all this is leading then.” Ten minutes and a few similar questions later, I get a real response if I’m lucky.

2) I’m studying/working on X. Y are the things it’s leading to. Z is why I think it’s cool. Productive, interesting conversation ensues.

I get 1 from “smart” people all the time. A person’s ability to give a 2 is my litmus test for intelligence. Intelligent people can perceive the world around them and adapt easisly. That’s why they have good senses of humor. They are good at getting to the point and don’t waste time on space-filling jabber. I think sometimes “smart” people still haven’t thought enough about what they’re doing to condense it into something meaningfull. Hence the flakey “book smart” people. Intelligent people seem to understand themselves enough to pay attention their surroundings without getting overloaded. It takes a smart person to understand and regurgitate, but it takes an even smarter one to reiterate, interpret, and condense.

As you can see, this post is proof that I’m not an intelligent person. Intelligence is, nevertheless, a goal.

As a side note, my intelligence test isn't always accurate. Sometimes the testee (Ha, I said "testee") simply wasn't ready to talk about said topic.

One day you’ll see her and you’ll know what I mean. Take her or leave her, she will still be the same.

I’m happy right now:

Girls still have a tendency to blow things out of proportion.
I was able to keep promises of old without killing anyone.
We found a blueprint for a tornado modeler.
I can eat dinner for $3.44 at Gualbertos.
Poetasters is always interesting.
I have the freedom at work to do one thing at a time without fear of repercussions from bosses with no common sense.

Son of sam, son of a shining path, the clouded mind

Weekend review:

I SHOULD have brought my book camping. We arrived at the hot springs at like 9:30, so there wasn’t much time for reading then. The water was blissful, and getting out was what you would expect. My feet were pretty numb by the time I made it back to my truck. I changed and cranked up the heater. The three girls soon joined me, and let me tell you, 4 four people crammed in the regular cab of a compact pickup is um…personal. The night was full of shooting stars, coyotes, one policeman (wanting to make sure we were fully clothed), and some Cedar City people. The extra sleeping bags went to two of the girls and one of the other dudes (8 people total). So I made use of my fleece sleeping bag (rated for 60 degrees Farenheit), my college blanket, and a ground pad. Not quite enough for sub-freezing temperatures, but I’m not very smart that way. As always, I opted to sleep under the starts in the back of my truck. Surprisingly, I was almost warm at one point during the night. Without good insulation, you can’t keep heat around your feet, so I more or less struggled unsuccessfully to keep them warm all night. I was up as soon as the sun came up with nothing to do. Like I said, shoulda brought that book. When one of the other guys got up, we decided to get back in the hot springs and not get out until the sun warmed up everything else. Though my swimsuit was frozen solid, the pain of putting it on was quickly overshadowed by the sweet slimy warmth of the spring.

Talked to mom and finally divulged my dating life from the past 10 months. Talked to Christie - she doesn't like San Diego. No letters written, no pools visited, made a not-so-elaborate version of Chicken Tikka, The Davinci Code is on hold (surprise surprise), didn’t open my scriptures.

5/9. As I always, I can do better.

In other news, my new watch came in on Friday. It’s kinda cool, but probably more than I need. I put the heart monitor on, and I feel like I’m wearing a bra except there’s only irritation and no support (naturally, something I’m in great need of). You have to adjust it in the back and everything. I took it to the gym to see how it worked with weight lifting – not very well. While doing decline sit-ups, the thing said my heart rate was 240. If I moved my torso too much, it fluctuates by 10 or 15 beats per minute. I’m going to try it a few more times just for the heck of it. I bought it for running, so we’ll see if it ends up paying for itself.

Today's goals:
Write letters
Finish Toff SIMS report
Call AJ

On vera...

and if you fail well then you fail but not to us

I can make it to school in 9 – 14 minutes on my bike. It was raining today, so I drove. It took at least 20 minutes to get to the Clyde Building. From now on, I’m just going to leave an extra shirt in my lab, and if I get covered in mud/snow riding to school, so be it.

Weekend goals:

Write the mom, since you’re asking, I could use some decent shoes, rain jacket, and new derailleur for Christmas.
Write the Brooke, yeah sorry about that whole disappearing for 8--7 months thing.
Write Krisanne, if you don't, you'll do it instead of working next week, you can't afford that
Talk to Christie, we still love you even though you’re going to Boston for Thanksgiving
Organize the menu so I don’t keep defaulting to butter and sugar
Get back to the pool on Saturday, my lungs have to be at least 80% by now
Open my Book of Mormon before Sunday, I should support President Hinkley’s request.
“I have trouble with things that attack the church,” check out the Davinci Code and find out what she was talking about.
Bring Elegant Universe camping, wait...no, DON’T bring it. You hang out with friends to prove you CAN be social, not give them more reason to believe the contrary.

It’s always some excuse. Too tired too obtuse.

The difference between being persistent and being a stalker is whether or not you like that person. So after a month of trying to make some time to introduce me to a friend I met a couple years ago, we finally had lunch together. This girl is like I remember her (a good thing), and it went well. My buddy had to go to class, so she and I had a little more time to talk. I walked her to the office of one of her co-workers who was coincidentally a friend of mine. We chatted for a few minutes. When, I got up to leave she follows me out.

“So I’ll give you a call sometime?”
“Yeah, sure”
“This weekend is crazy. Next weekend is crazy…How about the 18^th?”
“Hmmm, I guess that’ll work. I like to think I’m too smart to need a planner, but I have yet pull it off.”
“Ok, why don’t you give me you number”
“Great, so I’ll call you whenever and we’ll go from there?”
“Deal”

So here I am.
A)Call her in a couple weeks and ask her out
B)Call her next week and ask her to go to final cut with me full knowing she probably won't have time but acknowledging that if she does like me, she'll want to go.
C)Text her next week and say “I know things are kinda busy, but would you like to have lunch again?”
D)Call her for the sake of BSing

I’m an very impatient person. If I meet a girl I want to get to know, I don’t see any point in waiting around. But if you try to go/hang out too much in the beginning, you’re coming across to strongly. Obviously, you must want to get married ASAP. You couldn’t possibly just want to get to know her better. I’ve blown it with a few girls by doing just that. I like this one, so I’m willing to be patient. Still, it’s frustrating. I'm thinking option C, but I'm going to sit on it a while.

Are we all victims of opportunity?

In life, you have these tests that appear out of nowhere. You can’t directly prepare for them, they’re always different, and you can never see them coming. You only know that you’ve had one once it’s over, and it’s about that same time that you know if you passed or failed. These moments test your character. You don’t have time for ulterior motives; you just act. Your true colors show like the noon-day sun.

For example, you’ve had a really rough day and someone cuts you off in traffic. Your mom attacks you in some unexpected way. You boss wrongfully accuses you of misconduct. These instances aren’t too rare, but I can’t think of better ones. Basically, you have to act then and there. There’s no time for planning, so you act on instinct. Do you go red and blindly strike? Do you go blue and be Christ-like? Do you go yellow/green and get offended? Do you go purple and correct with vengeance?

I have a tendency to fail such tests. Just when I have things under control, I blow it by calling someone a name, stooping to their kind of faulty logic, getting angry, walking away when I should have stayed and fought. Several times I remember being so caught up in “keeping the peace,” I let people get away with unacceptable behavior.

Anyway, today I feel I passed one of those tests.

It was a good day.

Some fires are better left unfed, some pages better left unread, some words are better left unsaid.

So all I can do now is whisper or talk like Ned from South Park. It’s crazy how easy it is to take things for granted. I can’t imagine what I’d do if I lost my voice permanently.

Last night’s Halloween party wasn’t too bad. It was at an old ward friend’s house. His dad was one of the principle authors of WordPerfect. I’ve never been in a house so big. Indoor pool, basketball court, theatre, game room, dance floor and dj booth. This was only a small piece of the basement.

I’m pretty easy going about things, but I find I’m going crazy without my watch. I lost it about two weeks ago, and I’ve become convinced that I’m a control freak when anything affects me directly. It seems like people obsessed with time are normally ultra organized and have their schedules outlined in 10 minute intervals on their PDA’s for the next three years. My case seems to be a bit more analytical for the sake of analysis. It’s just like when I go to the grocery store; I ALWAYS look at the nutritional facts. Not because I’m a health freak (though I am more conscientious than the average person) but because I simply want to know what I’m putting in my body. With time, I don’t care so much that everything is perfect; I just want to know how much time things are taking.

Did you add up all the cards left to play?

So for the first time in like two years, I think I’ve come down with something. Turns out rinsing a spoon off with hot water probably isn’t enough to kill my roommate’s bacteria. Oh well, once again, that is a lesson I already knew and didn't need to learn again.

I had a long conversation with my marine friend last night. “My testimony came from watching a man’s eyes roll back as he fell over. I went back to base and got on my knees because I had to know if I’d done a bad thing. Had I taken this man’s only chance? Had I single-handedly sent him to Hell? My testimony never could have come from a ‘positive’ experiences.”

From a guy who won’t hesitate to tell you how much he hates Pakistanis and Muslims, it was nice to see a bit more of his true feelings.

I often wonder how much of the normal “testimony” is conditioned lip service. Yep, most people don’t have the opportunity to take another’s life, and that’s a good thing. We have to build our testimonies from other things. I wonder how often people form testimonies from virtually nothing because they just want it. I do believe that God can talk to anyone. I must be careful not to discount the testimonies of people out here, but at the same time, I have trouble believing them sometimes.

Everything good about me; every bit of strength of character and testimony I’ve built over the past ten years has come from blood, sweat, and tears. It seems like the worst some people have seen is a grandmother dieing of cancer or a family member getting divorced. How can you build your soul from such “trials.” How can a person claim to have done so? It’s no wonder many out here live in a fantasy land. They have no reason not to. I must remember that people are to be served and loved, not judged and despised. Everyone encounters the dark roads, eventually.

So I walk alone, I ask no quarter friend, I walk alone til I find you again

The best part of my day has become coming home around 6:30 and turning the door knob to my apartment. If the door is locked, life is blissful. I like my roommates. In fact, though the one I’m closest to wants to move, I don’t want to go with him. I like the other guys THAT much.

I haven’t been on a date in at least a month and a half, but I feel burnt out anyway. It could be that my co-worker has been meaning to set me up with this girl I already know (from a class two years ago), but hasn’t been able to find a free moment to do so in oh I don’t know THREE WEEKS. I just hit that point that I don’t have the energy to be selfishly irritated anymore.

My next fluids test is tomorrow. Does my future depend on it? Most certainly. I’ve just got to stay calm about the whole thing.

Reminder: People in that class aren’t smarter than me; I am the master of my destiny.

I lost my watch a week ago, and it is seriously driving me insane. I put off HW for an hour yesterday to clean my room in hopes of finding it. No luck at all. It’s not that I’m obsessive about time; I just can’t stand to lose things.

Should I dress up for Halloween? I’m thinking “No.” It’s a real shame, but it’s either dumb multi-ward dances or hang out with a friend I’m trying to see less of. Maybe I’ll just disappear for the whole weekend.

Every day you're on my mind, Pain is feeling passing time

Weekend conclusions:

Interesting people believe in doing things.
You can't ever forget that people are people. Strangely, that can be a hard thing to do in this age of long distance communication.
You really can forget about people when you stop looking at their pictures, sending them letters, and getting responses.
$13 of Halloween candy is enough to kill a man, even divied up five ways. <groan>

Revelations come to people so slow Frightening

This post is truly characteristic of the heading to my blog.

Last night, Stacie and Jeri stopped by. Jeri’s sister died from a drug overdose the night before. I cannot comprehend what it must feel like. There is no solace. No reparation. No real comfort. No peace. Only a large void. No matter what you do, when a loved one dies, they’re gone. No matter how you look at it, no matter how much you cry, curse God, and writhe in you sleep, the facts remain. Being with Jeri last night was quite sobering, yet, I must still acknowledge that all trials to have purpose. Everything in my own life that has made me grow or progress in any significant way, has been horrendously difficult. Every personal philosophy, every muscle, and every ounce of mental fortitude I possess have come from blood, sweat, and tears. It is ludicrous to be grateful for trials while they are happening, but I wouldn’t trade my past for anything.

It reminds me of the altered chous to Adam's Song

I never conquered, rarely came
tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
Well I can't wait to get outside
the world is wide, the time goes by
the tour is over, I've survived
And I can't wait 'til I get home to pass the time in my room alone.

Changing the subject, there’s a BB topic about never getting married. I think it's sad that there are so many people who feel they are practically worthless in the eyes of others. It’s sad that many of my friends that have the “fraud” complex. It’s sad that so few see the things about them that make them beautiful. There are others that have left Provo who I wish I could’ve met. At least I could have been one more to tell them, “No, you aren’t crazy. You have as much worth as anyone else. People are people. Rather than allow them to make you feel out of place,inferior, and angry, you should pity them and be grateful that God blessed you with perception. Yes, there is sadness and depresion in knowldege and understanding, but there is also warmth, peace, and fulfillment that will bring a joy that many others will never know."

Changing the subject again. Sometimes I feel like I need to restate my thoughts just to remind myself what matters. I don’t care about a big fancy job or degree. I don’t care about money or vacations. I don’t care about recognition. I don’t care about having the physique of an underwear model or the speed of a world class athlete. All I need is a wife, a dog, and a small piece of land away from the world. So WHY am I working towards all those other things? I guess maybe I don't feel I can attain the latter without the former. Myabe having the things that don't matter will better enable me to understand and apprciate the things that do once I find them. I don't know.

It's all i'm doing now, listening for patterns in the sound of an endless static sea

Imagine for a second that you devote your life to one sole purpose. For an entire year, everything you do and think about is in relation to your goal. EVERY minute of EVERY day and night, everything you eat, everything you spend your time on. Imagine now that the year’s preparation comes down to a 4 hour competition. You lose. For another year, you do the same thing. You lose again. A third and fourth year go by with the same results. In the fifth year you somehow find a way to continue to progress. You improve more than ever before. Your peers agree that you’ve hit a new level. You know that this year is going to be the one. You lose again. What do you do next? Are you an idiot or are you inspiring?

Like I said simultaneously everything that’s right and wrong with sports.

Some good friends came over for dinner last night. One of them is still in love with her old boyfriend who just got back from a mission in August. He wants to maintain a close friendship but doesn’t want to date her. This is understandable because who in their right mind knows what they really want at 21. Still, it’s tearing my friend to pieces because she can’t move on until there is some level of closure which there really can’t be for a long time. Ughhh. What a mess. Sadly, I know exactly how she feels.

Don't don't you sound so excited showing me your vanity?

A few of this week's highlights.

So Monday morning (7:30 am) I’m riding to school on my bike. As I’m pulling into the bike racks at the Clyde building, I notice a janitesse sweeping the walk. Being a guy, naturally, I look off in her direction. Smooth as 50 grit sand paper, I promptly crash into the bike racks evoking a shriek from the tired/bored/unsuspecting custodial worker.

Saturday is the annual Mr. Olympia competition. Ronnie Coleman, Jay Cutler, and Gunter Schlierkamp look to be the top three. How classy are the 19 competitors? Let’s take a look.

From Flexonline.com

"Gustavo Badell, third in the Olympia last year, personally calling out Ronnie Coleman for an impromptu posedown. Gustavo stripped down and stepped onto conference table, while Ronnie declined to do the same. To Gustavo’s claim that he could move up and win the crown, Ronnie replied, “Somebody ought to take the crack from that fool.”

And this clown isn't even going to make it to the top 5

Mustafa Mohammad, making the claim that he had the biggest legs in bodybuilding, which led to a friendly thigh-vs.-thigh comparison with Branch Warren. After an equal response to both from the crowd, Cicherillo called the showdown a draw.

Amusing or disgusting? Both I guess

Also notable is what didn’t happen, and that’s a repeat of last year, in which Gunter and Ronnie exchanged words that melted down into a frenetic and unexpected posedown. While Jay and Gunter spoke strongly, saying they have what it takes this year to win it all and beat Ronnie, they seemed willing to save the physical conflict for Saturday."

As you can see, bodybuilding press conferences typically consist of two 300 pound, normally dressed behemoths shouting at each other. A minute later, two 300 pound speedo clad behemounths continuing to shoult while quickly trying to hit different poses as they fling insults back and forth. If that’s not good old fashioned American sportsmanship, I don’t know what is.

BYU homecoming is also this week. Homecoming…HA

Yesterday, outside Cost-Co, some dude was giving away black Labrador pups. Naturally my roommate couldn’t resist. To bad we have to leave him at a friend’s house south of campus. This is yet one more reason to move out of Brandbury.

Ah glorious day.

And in all the idiots I see Thoughtless men casting doubts on me Enlightening

Ahhh... My foot works fully again, and my grip is back to normal. So I’ve got a few winter routines:

1)The creatine laced meat-head.
2)The struggling triathloner
3)The uber swimmer.

Pros
1) I might be able to get my bench press above 280 and beyond. Further establish dominance/identity in the ward. Look better if I go for the Trojan Man Halloween costume (admittedly, that probably won't happen).
2) I’d be in better shape come spring. My abs would look better. Overall aerobic condition would be optimal.
3) I need the most practice in this area. Swimmers have to use their arms a lot, so it would be a good supplement to weight-lifting.

Cons
1)Chicks don’t dig muscles. Most prefer the 150lb me to the 165lb me. Too bad I’m not taller. My endurance will plummet.
2)Training in the cold sucks. If I don’t eat like crazy I’ll lose even more weight. Endurance training is more mentally taxing.
3)The 24 hour pool is miniscule. It’s crowded. I haven’t mastered flip turns yet.

hmmm....