What's a game of chance to you in this world? To him is one of real skill

DC Will is a teacher in my elder’s quorum; he’s a good guy. Will's lessons usually start out with ideas strewn all over the place while he tries to make analogies and object lessons to bring in the day’s topic. I think he could make improvement by condensing a few things, but regardless, he does better than most.

Sunday’s topic was Elder Holland’s general conference talk. Eventually, we hit on, “how we can see who we really are.” EFY mentions things like scripture study and personal prayer to keep ourselves in a less worldly perspective consequently better comprehending our worth.

Not wanting the lesson to turn on the “we can all be happy by being happy” road. I responded, “I agree that scripture study is important to our understanding of ourselves, but people do well to devote a half hour a day to it. For the other 12 hours of the day, girls are around us, and no matter how hard they study, guys are not going to pay more or less attention to them. And sadly, many of them have self-esteems that hinge that attention. When we’re talking about a girl we just met, I would guess that 19 times out of 20 the comment starts, ‘I just met this girl, and she IS hot…’ Girls know we say this. As far as us guys go, I think we’re all fine; Elder Holland’s talk was not directed towards us. It was directed to the young women of the church. I think we should be talking more about how we can show women that we care about more than just how they look.”

Looking back I think I should have done my wording differently (for several reasons). Will gets this look in his face, and I knew he wasn’t quite ready for that one. He starts, “Well, I’ve got a few points to make about what you said. You said that, ‘all of us are fine.’ I don’t know that that’s true. *He looks down and pats his stomach* Now, I obviously I could be doing a little better here, and I think the world puts a lot of stress on men too. I think it’s something we DO need to talk about. The amount of men getting plastic surgery today is higher than ever….” We never got back to his second point.

I felt kinda bad and later apologized for coming across so forcefully. Will is cool, and I don’t think I made him cry too much. I have the opinion that “Men are men." By definition (and by "definition," I mean my definition), they don’t worry about self-image and esteem. They do their thing because they want to or feel it is right and don’t much care about the rest of the world. I forget that my thoughts are rarely held by the majority, even a group as self-selected as a BYU elder’s quorum.

I think Will was right to apply Elder Holland’s talk directly to us, but still, I feel our discussion barely touched why a talk given to the young women needed to be discussed in a room full of dudes.

So then I took my turn, Oh what a thing to have done, And it was all "Yellow."

In light of a website that matches faces, I ask, "who does this clown resemble?"










SURVEY SAYS.....













Annette Bening. 71%




Lucky me.

The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.

Questions for the day. What constitutes a “hard” class? What kind of intelligence do I respect? What must a person do to get me to feel challenged by their intelligence? What qualities do I esteem the as the most respectable?

I went to this Micron Presentation on photolithography yesterday. My kinetics teacher offers extra credit to go to these meetings, so about thirty of the hundred people there were from my classes. As the speaker did his thing, I looked around. I don’t think 10% of the people present payed the least bit of attention to what he was saying. Bush loving girl (BLG) happened to be sitting several seats to my right. She spoke to some dude for the entire time and was loud enough to be distracting though I’m not sure if anyone else noticed or cared.

Later I commented to my HW partners that no one seemed to care about that presentation. They concurred. “I don’t think anyone in our class actually wants to do chemical engineering.” The all want to go to law school, med school, or do distantly related biomedical and nuclear engineering. I guess that’s not a bad thing.

This morning a few comments were made before class started. True to form, BLG announces, “Yeah, I went, but I didn’t pay attention.” So you’re proud of your apathy? “The guy was talking about that photo-litho-graphy stuff. I don't know what that is. I talked to my neighbor the whole time.” No [insert expletive]!! of course you "don't know what that stuff is" that's the whole reason why the dude was explaining it and why Dr. Lewis wanted you to be present. Had you payed attention, you might have learned something. Good work on insulting the presenter and creating the extra distubance. Before I just thought you were stupid; now, I sincerely don't like you.

I get tired of people not caring but going through the motions anyway all the while declaring to the world how proud they are to be indifferent. At the same time, I need to remember these people are college juniors. How are they supposed to know what they want?

Right now, every one seems infatuated with biomedical engineering. “It’s how your body works. What could be more important?” I am now gladder than ever to be a physical scientist. I’m a dieing breed, but you know, perishing in my uniqueness only makes me prouder.

A little game that I made up. Do you know...that I...never ever lose?

Once again, last week was packed with all kinds of emotions. Good and bad, I think I did pretty well.

I'm typically very slow to anger, and this week was no exception. However, there was one moment when I did feel a tinge of anger. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, “Leave my kitchen knives the hell alone and stop sticking them in the dishwasher!!!” I swear I may have to start tearing off appendages as a reminder if roommates can’t remember my pleas.

I took a week off in hopes that my shoulder would get better, but I don’t think much happened besides my body getting weaker. I also managed to split my elbow open on a doorway. Now I feel like I need to recover from my recovery. Regardless, this week starts the new routine. It’s time to throw out all the crap in the fridge and get rid of everything that doesn’t belong with me anymore, exterior and interior.

Yes, I’m starting a little early. Around this time last year, biochem girl hadn’t yet disappeared from the radar, so I was a bit distracted/depressed/unmotivated.

This year, there are no friends who need extra attention, no girls who are ignoring me without ignoring me, and, as far as I can tell, no distractions outside of academia of any kind. Ambition rises like a storm, and it’s officially on.

So give it up, throw your hats in the air and change just as they land

This week, I was a superheated fluid.

At sea level, water boils at 212 degrees. Normally, if you have a cup of water and heat it, it will hit 212 degrees and start to boil. If you keep heating it, what happens to the temperature?

It STAYS at 212 until ALL of the liquid has converted to vapor, and THEN your temperature starts rising again. Only now you’ve got an empty cup which promptly catches on fire or melts.

Did you know you can heat that liquid water well past 212 degrees?

How about a lesson in physical science?

A pure liquid cannot change physical states on its own. It cannot spontaneously revert to a solid or a gas even when it has enough energy to make the transition. To change, the liquid must build on something else, something physically different.

Because liquids are rarely pure and single phase and containers are rarely perfectly smooth, phase transitions occur seemingly spontaneously. Typically, no one notices that those changes don’t occur by themselves.

Change happens because of exterior imperfection. Obviously, we are going to want to change due to personal weakness. However, I'm starting to believe that the imperfection in others also plays a meaningful role in our own progression.

You may not care about the significance of this concept, but it’s the best thought I’ve had all week.

I'm talented with reason. I cover all the angles. I can fail before I ever try.

This is a real post, so I suggest most of you tune in next time for something more entertaining.

This entry is the final chapter of the undergraduate Brooke saga. Yes, I'm sure you're all overwhelmed with glee.

Chapter %$R
So one night I’m riding home from some activity with Brooke. It’s late, and just before I get out of her car, she stops me. “Mike, do you mind if we keep driving for a little while?” “…No, not at all.” A long conversation ensues, and I learn that Brooke, a longtime childhood almost friend, has developed romantic feelings for me. Not surprisingly, I had also begun to have similar feelings. We spent time together almost every day, and it was comfortable. We appreciated each other. I could be myself, and so could she.

Unfortunately for me, something was still missing. This “something” was the reason I had never acted on my feelings. I sincerely liked Brooke, but deep down, I felt there were some issues I could not reconcile.

So there I am alone with Brooke in the car feeling like I have to answer a question whose consequences may very well divide the heavens. I try to be up front with people; I try to be honest with them. Feelings are simple right? “I like you, lets get together” or “I don’t like you, I’m sorry.” Well, I took an hour and ended right were I started. Staying true to form, I told Brooke how I felt in detail. The two hour drive ended with both of us confused and discouraged.

Over and over again, I’ve relived that experience in my mind and tried to figure out what happened. Hell, I’d just like to figure out what happened to me. This conversation could have been a simple 10 minute, “I think you’re great, but I don’t feel the same way. I’m sorry.” I call this scenario the infamous, “I like you, but not enough.” The idea is quite simple, so why are these conversations awkward, why do they take SO long, and why does one or both parties still walk away confused?

Things I wish I had understood:
1. I DID like Brooke. I liked her a lot. That WAS the problem. If I didn’t have any feelings, I could have given her the 10 minute padded rejection speech. Ultimately, I just didn’t like her enough. This feeling was fact; I KNEW she wasn’t for me. (I know I’m not allowed to say such things, but I do it anyway because I’m right.)

2. The whole truth is not always a good thing. We humans like a black and white world. When gray “truth” is revealed, we have a hard time understanding it and an even harder time accepting it.
3. No matter how imperfectly formulated, my answer could never shatter the sky. A few days later, Brooke quoted Chris Carrabba in a letter, “I am fairly agile. I can break and not bend, or I can break and take it with a smile.” Apparently, I’m not the only one that can handle rejection.
4. Rejection hurts people’s feelings. That’s life. There is no way around it if you plan on dating. The one thing you CAN control is how you present it. Emotions cannot be easily put into words. If you try to put negative romantic feelings into words, the harder you try to soften the blow, the longer you twist the knife and the MORE you hurt the other person.

Things I should have done:
1. Told Brooke simply that I enjoyed her as a friend.
2. Told Brooke that I didn’t have romantic feelings for her. Yes, half truths are just that, but at least she could have gone home an hour earlier that night and known where I stood in relation to the “us.”
3. Chilled out. I so was terrified of hurting Brooke's feelings, I couldn’t be frank.

Epilogue:
After we had our talk, I stayed away, and I missed her a lot. Some days I thought that I should try to make it work, but for every one of those days, there were three on which I was glad I had kept my "distance." Seven months later, Brooke and I were real friends again, and *gasp* she was over me.

Now, I don’t miss her anymore. Despite the present evidence, I don’t think about her much either. It’s sad to leave and forget about people you are close to, but I must concede that these kinds of experiences, though painful, are good for me.

Dealing with others on such a deep level forces you to shift your thinking and stretch your soul, something I always need. A big chunk of making dating enjoyable is accepting that a girl will be fine without you or you’ll be fine without her. It would be nice if I we could let failed attempts go sooner than we do, but I’m not sure we would learn as much. I most certainly wouldn’t be writing about them years after their occurrence.

Now I'm wondering is it me or is it me that can't see silver linings?

Today was an AWESOME day!! No wait, today SUCKED big time!! No, it was TERRIFIC....

What kind of day was it really? I’ll let you decide. Here's the evidence.

1. From 7:00am to 6:30pm I did nothing but homework and go to class.
2. The final chapter of the undergraduate Brooke saga finally appeared, and strangely, she didn’t even play an active part in it. Have you ever put together a puzzle only to realize it was an ugly picture to start with? Yeah, it’s not a good feeling.
3. On the way home from school I managed to wipe out on some ice and land on the shoulder I’ve been nursing for the past month.
4. Friends continue to have problems, and I continue to be helpless to do anything about it.
5. I still can’t get Mathcad to do a two equation solve block with vector functions and cspline.
6. I had no time for anyone today.
7. It snowed, so there will be no triathlon training for a few more weeks.
8. I’m finding that people like me who do nothing but school work have very empty existences

1. From 7:00 to 6:30 I did tons of school work and now I’m way ahead of schedule.
2. My ability to solve puzzles has not dulled a bit over the years.
3. I wiped out on the way home from school and slid one way for a solid ten feet while my bike shot twenty feet in the other direction almost hitting a car turning into the parking lot. It was awesome
4. I got a job offer in California.
5. It’s 8:00, and I have another 3 hours to do something useful.
6. I haven’t wanted to talk to people for the past two days.
7. It snowed, so now I have extra time to do school work.
8. I’m finding I really do enjoy school. I like the challenges of my classes. Even thermodynamics is interesting.
9. Friday plans are coming along nicely.

What do these comments teach us?

Joaquin Phoenix does a great job in Gladiator. Funny, that’s what I was thinking too.And the night continues on...

Please know we do this cause we care and not for the thrill

So I just got an unofficial, “You still suck but not so much that we won’t let you into our university” email from Tennessee.

Horay for backup schools!!!

Waking up is hard to do when no one loves you. Years pass by, that's something you have gotten used to.

Everyone is thinking about love right now. Rightfully so I suppose. Despite our greatest efforts to exist as nonconventional pseudo-intellectuals, I bet most of us are still hoping to find some simplicity and render the world a little more black and white. We know reality is mostly gray, and we’ve even come to terms with our own grayness. Yet, the hope, though unrealistic, remains that we will find the white.

I wonder if I would sleep better if my world were more cleanly cut. One perfect profession, one perfect school, one perfect girl, one perfect church, one perfect existence. Sounds nice, right?

Maybe.

Or maybe my “perfect” profession would get old, my “perfect” school would lose its prestige, my “perfect” girl would annoy me and run off with the mailman, my “perfect” church would turn God into dead principles, and my “perfect” existence would lose all passion.

I don’t know. "Perfect" is only a word I pretend to understand.

What do I want then? Opposition? Do conflict, controversy, and diversity truly make me happy? Right now, I think they do. Conflict helps me feel, controversy prevents me from falling asleep, and diversity….well diversity is exciting as always.

I can honestly say that I have no idea what the truth will be a year or ten years from now, but I’m not sure that it matters.

So in conclusion have I made my decisions clear With every passing moment of my life this year? Well not exactly so that's what I am doing here.

Yes, the gods continue to mock me.

Many times I’ve said I’d rather be disliked than ignored. Now, I am certain, they’re not ignoring me. They don’t seem to dislike me either, which is nice. What they do like is watching me fidget and struggle to win battles that most likely can’t be won. They know me too well. A more intelligent person would have long since given up, but not me, I still don't know the meaning of the word "surrender." Hopefully, I'll grow up someday.

sigh…..

I need the smell of summer, I need its noises in my ears

It’s official. The trip to Europe is cancelled. Yes, my disappointment exists on many levels, and I still cannot fully grasp them.

However, I accepted a job in Seattle working for the kind of company I’ve been hoping to find since I started this whole chemical engineering gig. The job should be worth the investment, so maybe, I won’t have to be sad forever.

Once again, reality reared its ugly head and reminded me that life still requires lists. No matter how hard you try to fit things together, that list remains linear with all items stacked sequentially. If you predict the future, you may succeed in shifting the odds in your favor, but those luxuries are typically reserved for fairytales. That said, I think a little spontaneity or unpredictability make life infinity more enjoyable.

A la longue, I was silly to believe people, places, and opportunities could hold truly equal significance in my life. What then, is a boy to do when he can’t have his cake and eat it too? Why, convince himself that he’d rather have pudding I guess.

I'm ringing all the warning bells Careful or you'll hurt yourself. Others lie lie lie, they adore you.

Yes, I wish my life were more interesting too.

In general, I think we Mormon’s are a pessimistic, self-degrading people bent on doomsday. We are the dust of the earthy; we are the unworthy servants. The world IS going to get more wicked, and we are powerless to stop it on anything more than a small scale. Though I understand the uses of this standpoint as I understand the audiences for which such discourses were made, I wonder if the effects have a negative side too.

I’m naturally a skeptical person. I have a hard time taking people at their words, yet I insist that they do just that for me. It’s not that I believe I’m better or have more integrity. I simply feel that my comments should be self-sustaining. If they weren’t true, why on earth would I make them.

Examples:

#1. Generic: “Wow, you look great today!”
Respsonse:”No, I don’t. I never look very good.”

#2. Me:”I think you’re beautiful” (I can count on a couple fingers the number of times I've made this comment)
Response: “Thank you.”
Thought –“I’m not beautiful, he must just be trying to make me feel good about myself.”
My thought: “I bet she doesn’t believe me. As well as she knows me, how could she possibly think such a thing?"

#3. Friend: “Mike, I like being around you.”
Me: “Thanks, I like being around you too.”
My thought: “This girl is great, but there’s no way she REALLY likes being around me. I’m sure she just thinks I need a pick-me-up.”

These mini conversations go on inside my head all the time. No matter what I say, I will expect you to believe me because, like I always say, I’m not a nice person. I don’t say things just because I think they will make you feel all warm and gushy inside. Granted, I want you to feel good about yourself, but I don't believe in compromising the truth to do so.

Flip it. If you say something nice to me, I WILL NOT believe you even if you swear on your dead pet's grave that it's the truth. For some reason, it’s unreasonable to think that I might indeed be someone a person likes to have around. I may eventually believe you, but I bet it will take you a good six months to beat it into my head.

People are funny that way. Everyone has double standards. No, I don’t think it’s King Benjamin’s fault. In fact, I think he was a great guy, and I would do better to follow more closely his counsel. Still, I wonder if I was ever taught not to believe people or if I’m jus plain stubborn that way. Maybe all Mormon's are stubborn. Maybe all humans are stubborn.

People are strange, when you're a stranger

Friday night, I get this funny text message. I thought it might be a friend playing a trick. I didn’t make much sense, and I was right.

Hey I think your hot wanna hang
I would, but I’m only attracted to men. It tends to make things kind of awkward.
Um im a man your in luck
Well, I’m glad my “hot” is the object of your thoughts. You know where to find me if you want to learn more about it.
Yes, yes I do
I dunno
That’s what I like about you, your impeccable orthographic prowess completely removes all ambiguity from your messages.
Um…what
Precisely
Wat…
U for real
You engrish no good. Me not understand what you want or who you is
What? Why is it hard to understand
You know, punctuation, homonyms, identification. The things that make messages legible.
Why are you talking bout that
Nothing apparently.Goodnight (Note: I thought she said. “What are you talking about?”)

The next day
Hey Sexy
No response from me

Later that night
So you and Keera huh
I hope you understand that I still don’t know who you are. I think you’re texting the wrong person.
Your names zac right. Ya I know you
No, my name’s Mike. I’m a 24 year old student. Please stop texting me.
No dont even play

Yes Mr. Morrison, I think you were on to something.

Treating me like I’m already gone.

And you’re right I’m afraid. A long time ago, I told you friendships were mostly about convenience; I wasn’t kidding. Sometimes, they survive when conveniences don’t, but it’s a rare luxury. I’m sorry.

I’ve decided I’m not very tolerant when people can’t handle their frustrations. I’m not trying to be mean, but I can't justify cutting them slack for something they should have learned to deal with during their teenage years.

Yes, it's true. I won't always be sympathetic to your problems. Remember when I told you I wasn't a nice person? I wasn't kidding about that either.

The start was something good, but some good things must end

Quote of the day:

“If you can’t even pick a good wife, how are you supposed to run the country?”

-This girl I sat next to in class this morning speaking in reference to John Kerry and why she supports Bush.

Blech

On and on reckless abandon, something's wrong, this is gonna shock them

The awkward, the weird, and the entertaining, and it’s only Tuesday.

The non-interaction between EFY and BSG in my apartment last night.
Random cuts I keep finding on my hands. I think I my subconscious must fight crime at night.
Avoiding friends not wanting to tell them I don’t have the emotional energy to deal with their presence.
Telling professors I still haven’t finished the pre-requisite for the class.
Coming home and seeing RCW with an ice-pack on his crotch.
Having classmates apologize for openly disagreeing with me in class.
The “Partial differential equations” game.
California Roommate’s blatant disregard for my pleas not to use a funny but totally inappropriate nickname to refer to BSG .
Me dancing with the girl in my class who is six feet tall.
And of course, taking an hour to formulate two sentences.

I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow, casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there counting crows

The weekend:

Was packed with life’s simple pleasures
Further complicated my life
Posed a few new questions.

Today’s topic is EFY roommate and BSG (beauty school girl)

Background: EFY is great. He is the embodiment of all things good about EFY and none of the stupid things. After butting heads for a month last year, we became good friends. BSG moved into the ward just before Christmas. She’s physically open, easy to hang out with, on the “hot” side of pretty, not too smart, and is a hard core flirter. (Normally*, I comply when a girl begs me to take my shirt off, but this case was a little too weird. Gotta maintain a little mystery.)

After finishing my shenanigans Saturday night, I come into the apartment; EFY and BSG are on the small couch together watching a movie with RC Wiley roommate and BSG’s roommates. He’s sitting up, and she’s laying on her back with her head on his thigh, legs hanging over the armrest. They seem comfortable enough, but there’s no gross spooning. 12:00 rolls around, and we give them the boot. The following evening they were back in our apartment. I was off doing my own thing, but I imagine similar things went on.

EFY’s cell phone rings. He sees that it’s BSG, so he passes the phone to RCW. RCW goes back into the bedroom. Not thinking anything of it, the rest return to our evening of watching stupid internet videos of fainting goats, jumping fish, and Trogdor.

20 minutes pass, and RCW emerges. “EFY, someone has a crush on you.”

BSG has decided she likes EFY. “He’s a really decent guy” and didn’t put the moves on her during the previous night. I guess that’s a rare occurrence. Quoting BSG, RCW says, “I gave him every chance I could to take advantage of me, and he didn’t.” Now, despite the boyfriend in AZ, she’s in love with EFY.

Yes, yes, yes, hundreds of things to mock and so little time, but here’s the point. Who puts on a blind fold, tromps into uncharted territory, and dangles their foot in the lake to determine whether or not the piranhas and snapping turtles are hungry?

Some call it sexuality. I call it emotional masochism.
*By “normal,” I mean I have yet to do so.

When everything is wrong, we move along

Random thoughts for today.

Graduate school websites lie. They say they like M.S. students. They say they pay them. They even say they admit them. NONE OF THESE CLAIMS ARE TRUE! The good news is a friendly advisor caught this little discrepancy before it was too late to backpedal.

"Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness."

Is it possible to be overly warm blooded? After sitting around work for an hour I had to go to class in the WSC. I walked outside wearing only a T-shirt and jeans for 5 minutes, and by the time I got to my class, I was still overheating. What the heck is wrong with me? I went to the gym last night, so I'm a little sore. Could the circulation effects from yesterday's workout have continued into today?

I had a dream last night about biochem girl. I took her out a few times last winter, and in an extremely vague way, I learned she had no use for me. She went off to grad school and eloped with some dude. I stumbled across her email address a week ago and sent her a message. “Hi, I suddenly get what your email address references (it was Run Lola Run). Blah blah blah. I heard you got married; I hope life is good.” Last night a I had dream where she told me everything that was wrong with me. Though I can’t remember what she said, I remember being excited. “About time you told me what was going on! What took you so long? Slow down, I need to write this down.” I remember thinking that some of the things she said were way off while others seemed valid. I wanted her to elaborate but woke up right when it was getting good. What kind of person likes to be told what’s “wrong” with them?

Once again, I can only conclude that I’m a freak. (but hopefully the likeable kind)

Then ask me what it’s like to have myself so figured out. I wish I knew.

I got a letter from my missionary friend, Brooke, a few days ago. You know how getting home from a mission is like stepping out of a forward time warp? This letter was like a backward time warp. I haven’t heard from her since last April (this is my fault), so it’s been a while.

By the time I was 23, I thought I had myself figured out. The world made sense. I knew what kind of degree I wanted. I knew what kind of girl I wanted. I had some fantastic friends, and the future was set. Reading my letter from Brooke, I was suddenly a year younger and surprisingly different. At this age, I wouldn’t have thought a year made that much of a difference, yet I had the very distinct feeling that Brooke was writing to the wrong person.

I’m saddened that we’ve grown so far apart. I’m saddened that she can’t see the person I’ve become (or at least, the person I’m becoming). The two years I spent with/around her seemed decisive, finally she was seeing the real me. Now I look at those years like an author might look at the first book he wrote.

In June I suppose I’ll see her again. The us chapter has long since ended, and our dissimilarities will probably be even greater than they were before. I want to be excited to see an old friend again, but right now, I can only envision a stranger.

I don’t want to live this lie again; I know I’ll get right but I don’t know when.

Sometimes I get fed up with myself. All I want is to let things go and live for the moment. If the world blows up because of my actions, so what? There are worse things. If the train crashes and someone gets hurt, big deal. Thus is life. I didn't crash it on purpose.

But no, not yesterday, not today, maybe not ever. My brain keeps telling me it can predict the future, and I still can’t help but believe it.