but once the satellite's deceased, it blows like garbage through the streets of the night sky to inifinity

I stayed up talking to my roommates until 2:00a.m. last night. Among many things, we talked about me. I’ve always known that I’m good at accidentally making people feel stupid. I am also good at making them think I think they’re stupid.

As background I’m the most secure person I know, really. There is a world of things I have to prove to myself, but I have nothing whatsoever to prove to anyone else. I really don’t care that you think I’m smart, stupid, fat, athletic, whatever (I would however like you to think I’m good looking, it’s the thing I’m the most insecure about). What you think about me has very little influence on how I see myself. I have nothing to gain by making you look stupid (that is unless I just don't like you).

Anyway, I start conversations because I want to know what people think and why they think it. I’m not positive about this, but I believe I do this for one of two reasons.

1. I want to understand you.
2. You may in some way be able to enhance my viewpoint. Maybe you can help me be smarter or more perceptive. Maybe you can help me see my flaws, so I can better myself. When I’m in the second mode, the idea is the only thing that matters. I’m talking to you because you may have something useful to say.

Now, my problem here is that in this mode, things I already know (or think I know) are sometimes mentioned by the other party. "I’ve already been down that road young padawan. I know what you’re going to say, so I’m moving on. If you can’t keep up, tough luck. I don’t care about you, me, or anything else BUT the idea. It is my sole interest." If I’m not really careful, when I get in this mode, people ALWAYS think I’m being arrogant, and maybe they’re right. I do the thinking for the other person because I can do it faster and get to a more interesting thought sooner.

Note - I fully realize the falacy of such an attitude. Like I said it's a mode I fall into.

I’m thinking about this right now because I had another fluids test last night. I’m notorious for treating tests like I treat people when I’m mode #2. I out think them or think for them. Rather than staying in the realm of the known, I venture to the unknown. This often includes mechanisms that don’t exist, incorrect extrapolations, and logic jumps into bottomless pits. The reason I don’t know this problem ISN’T because I missed something (i.e. the unknown). The reason I don’t know the problem is I’m on a tangent. If I can back up for a second and stick to what I know for certain, I can almost always figure it out.

Last night was a text book case of trying to out think the problem:
1. I see a problem I don’t immediately know how to do.
2. None of the simple solutions work.
3. In a last ditch effort, I start trying to fit the square peg in the circular hole (it never works).
4. Feeling I’m out of options, I panic and mental fatigue sets in.
5. I pull out a bigger hammer and start hitting the peg harder.
6. I miss the problem.

I’m not going to let it ruin my weekend, but I am very angry at myself and will probably be fuming in coulda/woulda/shoulda land for the rest of the weekend.