All that I can do is listen to you; all that you can be is out there

It’s Friday evening, and I’m mentally gearing up for my long trek to Seattle. Lo and behold, I learn that it is NEXT Saturday that my parents are driving back to TN. In addition, Sister 3 is staying for another week rather than returning to Provo once we had her moved in on the 29^th. Now, leaving the next day doesn’t seem quite so appealing. As I contemplate sticking around a little longer, there is a knock at the door…TA DAAAAH Sister 1 and Post-Doc boyfriend have shown up unexpectedly from San Diego. The whole family is officially together now. I called my boss, and he informed me that he hadn’t expected me at work until the 3^rd anyway. My contract said I would start on the first, but oh well.

PD is from Boston. I think he may be 29, but he is easily the smartest sub 30 year-old I have ever met. One thing PD did not have growing up however was a big yard/farm. Now that he lives in Pasadena, he has even fewer opportunities to do manual labor. So he comes out to our place in Logan and wants to do some yard work. Can do.

Now it’s Sunday; S1, PD, and myself will all be leaving first thing in the morning. Before he goes, we decided to show PD the glory that is a rototiller. We borrowed the neighbor’s nice Troy-Built with a 5hp Brigs and Stratton motor. One uses rototillers to break up ground. chop weeds, or grind up kittens if you don't use it correctily. Anyway, PD starts off fairly well, but one thing you have to know about ‘tillers is that they can get pretty jumpy. Sometimes, the blades will hit extra-dense dirt or a rock, and the machine will lurch forward. If you’re ready for it, you don’t lose control, but you DO have to hang on. My dad warned PD, but apparently, he didn’t warn him explicitly enough.

As PD reached the edge of the garden, the ‘tiller jumped forward out of his hands and crashed into the wooden fence promptly smashing the bottom edge of the motor housing and breaking 6 of the twenty iron fins on the fly wheel. My dad has mellowed out in over the years, so he kept his cool. Unfortunately, bestowed with the role of the alpha-male, he now has to fix the $1000 piece of equipment, tell PD he has to buy a new one, or return broken ‘tiller to neighbor. Not the best way to spend ones vacation. Luckily, my daddy has been fixing this kind of thing for 40 years; let us hope that the parts can be easily ordered.

And that’s it folks, that was my last story from Utah for a while. In T-minus 14 hours, I shall depart for unknown territory. Am I ready? You’d better damn well believe it.

Interesting details will follow as they appear.

A room an empty shelf. A book on mental health. I search for inner wealth.

Have you ever had your scalp lacerated by an innocent looking cabinet? Let the blood clotted in my hair serve as warning to all that a person should never trust an inanimate object to remain stationary. I swear the thing lowered itself a foot while I wasn’t looking.

Housing….well, I’ve finally found a place. $425 a month for a place that’s 8 miles from work.

Pas si pire. Right?

Right now, it’s thoughts on finals, torn muscles, Seattle, and NCG that spin through my head incessantly. Finals seem to be going fine. I’m not worried. Muscles are not doing well. I’m debating ignoring the fact that they don’t work correctly and going back to the old routine. I’m back to being excited about Seattle. I just need to stay organized until the.

NCG, well, I’m a microwave and she’s infrared. Sometimes we’re in phase sometimes we’re not. I don’t think either one of us knows why. The good news is that we are usually on the same page in our ambivalence and confusion. I’ve never been able to be so honest with someone; it’s nice. Ironically, the truth seems only to complicate matters. But complication yields growth, and growth IS always good.

Break down the barriers; ally the carriers. What is your motivation? Take a good look in the mirror.

Can I just say that I love my friends?

Despite getting up at 7:00am to go to a stake fireside, yesterday felt like the kind of Sunday a person could enjoy. I went to church in a family ward; the services ended at noon. Not only did I have most of the day left to enjoy, the service itself was significantly more sincere and less contrived than the typical BYU singles ward. Elder’s Quorum was full of men with normal jobs and families. The halls were filled with smiling children (granted, Easter has that effect on kids). I walked out of that building uplifted (an increasingly rare occurrence).

I spent most of the day talking to people that matter to me. Many of them to which I hadn’t said much in months. Not having time for this kind of interaction wears me down after a while. For this reason, I don’t think I would ever be happy as a pure research scientist. I do love science and engineering. I do love research. However, I love individuals more. Last night while talking to NCG, I realized that I’ve never been as content with my current group of friends as I am now. Every one of them makes me happy, seriously.

It’s funny. As the social side shifts to something favorable, I’m noticing my physical side is getting increasingly worse. My eyes are not doing well, I now have two injuries that should have healed, and I’m picking up a small cold. Still, a body is much easier to heal than a life. I’ll take this lot any day.

It's a dangerous stage but the show must go on

How do you know what you can be
if you can't see where you are going
What breaks the silence Misery
Can make you see where you belong
It's a dangerous stage but the show must go on

Why do you lie
Why do you lie
Would you betray your soul
Why do you lie
Why do you lie
Don't let your weakness show
You just might be the last to know

Freedom is such a loaded word
So full of hurt and such a plomb
Loneliness saunters in its breeze
Like a disease it drags along
The time of your life can't be had for a song
-Gregg Graffin

I must say that the wolrd can be a sad place. I don't believe it's fair that the brunt of a person's immaturity is felt inifinitey more by those who care about that person than the person him/herself.

What is anger? Injustice.

Just a day, just an ordinary day, just trying to get by

I went to the Soulforce rally yesterday. It was an interesting experience though it didn’t present anything new. Overall, I felt it was worth my time, but I also remembered a few things about myself that will probably never change.

I’m just not a bandwagon/rally guy. I get irritated when people draw applause from the crowd by using trite one liners. I don’t like the, “oh poor oppressed us…but we WILL NOT be ignored any longer we are PROUD to be us.” *Crowd cheers in most stereotypical way imaginable* I’m always bothered when a person has to belittle someone else’s ideals for the sake of promoting their own.

“I’VE been ex-communicated THREE times.” *Ha ha ha. “You go girl.”* I’m sorry. Those cheers from the crowd don’t sound like a cry for expression. They sound like those of a mindless mob. I came here to listen to sincere, intelligent comments pertaining to changing the status quo, not your propogandic bullshit.

“I met my boyfriend at BYU.” *Hooray. Take that stupid BYU*

“After being allowed on BYU’s campus under the agreement not to give speeches, pass out literature, or set up a booth. FIVE of us were ARRESTED for trying to give speeches!! We refuse to be ignored.” *cheers from the crowd* Yes, thank you Mr. Champion of free speech; I’m so glad to see you sticking it to the man. That and totally disrespecting an agreement with a university notorious for cutting you no slack at all.

“Queer is good. We are a great asset to the world. We are artists, performers, musicians…we are a sensitive people…we are in tune…” (I use quotations, but I will admit, I’m not getting what was said verbatim.) That’s what I’ve been missing all these years. I suck at painting because I have the wrong sexual orientation. I get it now. Silly me, I thought it was because I don’t have a painters coordination, and I never took time to develop those skills.

All of the above aside, the BYU alumni and student made valid points. I do wish others who have yet to think about these issues could have heard what was said. “God hates you because you’re gay,” is not something anyone should have to believe, ever. Homosexual=Terrorist=Nazi is another one. I don’t get how modern people can believe such things, but I guess I’m a little naïve. I do believe church leaders had it wrong back in the 80’s and before. Another lady commented on the mentioning of “gender confusion” in General Conference. “My son is NOT gender confused!!!” No kidding? I'm glad to hear he's so happy. It turns out that Elder Holland may not have been talking about your son. It turns out that church authorities are worried about more than just you.

Some say that gay marriage is no different from the blacks and the priesthood issue. I vehemently disagree, but maybe there were people like me who said the same thing back in the 1940’s. I guess the world is more complicated that I originally thought. I don’t know that we’ll ever see a full reconciliation within the church. I don’t know that we should or that we shouldn’t.

The meeting was also interspersed with people driving by, honking their horns for a minute straight, and small groups shouting things like, “YOU’re inTOLlerANT, YOU’re inTOLerANT…” Grow up people. What could you possibly accomplish beyond making me wish I was immature enough to get up and kick your ass.

Threw away your greatest hits, you left them here the day you split.

UTAH it is.

After another set on interviews, I have no reason not to go there. Now, the only real thing drawing me to UT is nostalgia. Granted, nostalgia is great, but it’s not something on which to base ones life decisions. (But maybe it should be. I haven’t made an irrational decision in almost 12 hours, seriously).

How should I word my rejection? I figure it would polite to tell my contact at UT personally. I do feel bad that I can't take him up on any of the UT offers. I could do it in letter or spoken form:
"Dear Professor Guy/Dude/Object/Paramecium,

1. I regret to inform you that I have accepted another offer that offers more opportunities and more money.
2. I have accepted another offer.
3. I decided to join the circus and realized I have no use for an advanced degree.
4. You suck, so no thanks.
5. I greatly appreciate your efforts to bring me to your school, but you forget that I’m a cheap, lazy bastard. Better luck next time.
6. I had a dream and this green mushroom threatened to eat me if I moved from Utah. I don't want to get eaten, so I must decline your offer.
7. I could never associate myself with the vile booze industry. Do you see my nose pointed towards the heavens? That means I'm way to pure for the likes of your silly oraganization; I don't care if the ethanol will be used as fuel. 'Avoid the appearance of evil' remember? I guess not. Seeing that you place yourself within 5 miles of an alcoholic beverage, I can only conclude that you are a diry whoremonger. FOR SHAME.

(That last one only applies to the Forest Products offer.)

So I’m going to solicit comments for a change. The four of you who read my posts, please vote/make other suggestions.

It's easy to confuse grand design with life's repercussions. Lament not your vanquished fantasy; it's only destiny.

When I started high school, I learned that balance was vital to survival. Yet no matter how hard I tried, I could not reach a stable equilibrium between my professional, academic, social, recreational, and romantic ambitions. Having three of the five was fairly common; four in five was rare. But the lost sheep always matters the most, right? Little has changed since then. At times I’ve felt that which was missing, the romantic aspect more often than not, would by itself bring more happiness than all the others.

Now, for the first time since my senior year in high school, I feel like my world is finally balanced. The professional and academic have made peace with each other and the world. My life still lacks a bit socially and recreationally, but I’m not too far from where I’d like to be. The romantic aspect resembles something stable and worthwhile. So am I perfectly content now? No, but “content” is the right word to use.

It’s beautiful to think, “Once I have A through E, I can be happy,” and I will admit that life is indeed better when you get close to having what you want. Still, making a good entree takes more than merely adding all the correct ingredients. My frame of reference is no longer an ideal; it’s reality. So though I’m saying a similar thing that I said a year ago, I feel like my words hold more weight. Strength in one area does not make up for a lack in another. Despite previous hopes, reality proves that there are neither shortcuts nor any components that can be completely disregarded in favor of something higher up on the priority list.