Black. The night that ends at last.

I’m rushing through the apartment trying to think of everything I may possibly need at my parent’s place in Logan. After 40 minutes of running and packing in circles I have:

Toothbrush, face soap, razor
All my normal clothes, mostly dirty
My socket tools and Haynes manual
Christmas presents
Footwear for all occasions
Church attire
Foucault’s Pendulum and The Elegant Universe

What I wished I’d remembered:

By The Hand of Mormon (I’ve been meaning to get it back to my dad for a year)
Snowboarding Gloves (I don't even snowboard)
Wizard People, Dear Reader (I just forgot that one)
Soldering Iron (What the Hell is going on? How often do you need on of those while on vacation? If you’re me...always)
Thick socks for winter activites
Push-up bars
The quart of oil I’ve been meaning to use up for over a year.

Honestly, I can’t win.

So give me one good reason Why we need to be like them.

20 ft of twine: $1.25
Half a roll of electrical tape: $1.00
An old steel bar I found in the garage: nothing

The satisfaction from showing corporate America that I don’t need them or their lousy fitness equipment: Priceless

It’s 1:00a.m., and I find I’m doing what I always do this time of night. Sit in bed and listen to the background noise. There’s a strange sense of peace that comes when the world goes to bed. I’m the kind of person that can sit and entertain himself for hours from his thoughts alone. During vacation time, school is out, work is postponed, and friends are far away. What’s left to ponder?

Everything.

I’ve talked to a few old friends as of late; everyone back home seems to have gone crazy. My old acquaintances have been home from missions for a year or two, and they’re all having emotional breakdowns. Not the kind that gets you institutionalized, the long-term kind that tells you your life has no meaning. The kind that warps your future into a big black pit, and all you can do is run. And run you do, from everything and everyone.

Yeah, you’re damn right it’s frightening, and it’s happening to way too many people right now. I’ve been a spectator in the East Tennessee charade for several years, and it bothers me that I can’t observe what’s happening out there with my own eyes. I loath building my reality through second hand accounts, but it’s all I have for the time being.

I’m eternally grateful that my lot was not the lot of my friends. I like to think that people choose their own paths, but all these recent accounts are pointing elsewhere. Why have I been so lucky? Am I smarter? Do I have better genes? Or was I just lucky enough to have parents who loved each other, who loved their kids, and understood the responsibility that comes with raising them? That’s what scares me.

If it is mere luck, where’s the justice? Do I dare ask such questions?

I'm a Roooooe-man candle, my head is full of flames

Today was not the best day at church. The last speaker was a self-righteous, ignorant, condescending [insert offensive noun]. Right before the first speaker began her talk, her cell phone rang. She apologized and commented that she was already off to a rocky start. 45 minutes later, Mr. last speaker began. He pretended to pull out a cell phone and talk on it for a solid twenty seconds. “Hi. Not much. I’m just in sacrament meeting. Yeah, things to do. So how are things going?...” He then made a comment that people should show some respect/decency and turn off their phones. For the next 20 minutes, he said nothing of even superficial significance and ran ten minutes past closing time. He ended with “This just my opinion [he elaborately throws his tie over his shoulder], but I say that the only reason the world progressed technologically was because of the light of Christ that entered it during the time of the restoration. Yep, the dark ages lasted a long time, but the gospel ended them.”

Livid, I frantically began searching for stones, rotten fruit, bowling pins, anything to serve as a projectile. How could someone prove to be such an ignorant asshole in so little time?

I calmed down and started thinking (yes, always a dangerous thing for me). “What is the Christlike thing to do?” Walking up to the guy and chucking him out of the building with my boot firmly lodged in his rectum was a little too aggressive; he wasn’t exchanging money after all. But doing nothing like my roommate suggested was too passive for something I picture Christ doing.

Throughout Sunday school, I thought of my options. Bodily harm – too much vengeance. Verbal thrashing – too much wrath. Assertive”you suck” confrontation – more about me than him. Casual “Good talk man. I loved how you forgot you weren't the bishop and publicly criticized someone outside your stewardship. I also loved how you shared your ridiculous viewpoint on history and science, topics you obviously know nothing about.” – still too vindictive. A dead end every time. I couldn’t think of anything that would be more about helping the dude than me putting him in his place happy to take down church subculture one Crisco-haired jerk at a time.

Eventually, the class hit on a chunk of D&C 121. You rebuke and then show an increase of love afterwards. I had zero love for that guy and was incidentally forced to conclude that there was no possible way to confront him in a Christlike manner.

I should have clocked him with my shoe and been done with it.

Teenage rules: they’re f$%#ed and boring.

Word has it that you can dissolve a pound of potassium hydroxide in a gallon of ethanol. I say seeing is believing, and I’m not seeing anything. I've been cleaning old glassware all week. 6 months working as a BS chemist is way too much.

But you know what? It's 10:00pm, and I can turn up Blink 182’s Take of your pants and jacket as loud as I want. Suddenly, I don't care about anything, and life is good again.

Gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them

A few years ago, I had to make a decision. “Do I want to get good at fixing things or do I want to get good at fixing people? I can’t do both.” I weighed out the pros and cons of each side and decided I would prefer to learn to fix things.

I decided that things were better to deal with professionally because they don’t have emotions. I can forget about them and come back whenever I want. Things are more intellectually progressive (for me) than people, and they are usually more useful. I feared that a career dedicated to fixing people would consume me and not allow time for a family or anything else. A career dealing with things was much more likely to be a 9-5.

Since then, I’ve been slowly becoming a thing expert, confident that I made the right choice for me. From time to time, I look back and wonder if I should have done it differently. Last night was one of those nights. I can’t remember the last time I felt this vulnerable or even this afraid. Basically, my sister had a serious reaction to some strong antibiotics prescribed by her doctor for a urinary tract infection. After the infection cleared, she developed something else. After being uber sick for over a week, the doctor decided she needed a colonoscopy. Translation: he had no idea what the hell was going on. Things went from bad to worse, and I was helpless to do anything. Finally, I called a doctor/friend and in 60 seconds knew the problem and necessary medication with 95% assurance. All it took was that tiny piece of information, but it was a piece I didn’t have and couldn’t logically deduce on my own.

So right now I can say that I do regret the decision to take the direction I have. I know there will be more days like this. Yet l also know that on most days, I’m grateful I didn’t take that direction. I think I’ll always be torn like this as I will always have a problem with being vulnerable. I need to accept the fact that no one is completely impervious. Everyone has weaknesses, and sadly, so do I.

We were perfect when we started I've been wondering where we've gone.

I just finished reading the Davinci Code. It’s definitely a fluff book but still enjoyable. I don’t know if you call it fiction or adventure or maybe fictenture. Whatever the case, the book held my attention over the weekend which is rare. It wasn’t Harry Potter captivating, and by then end, I started speed reading to keep it moving. Still, I took it out 150 pages at time.

Several thoughts. Brown says in the beginning of the book that the secrets and societies are all “real.” I think I’m going to learn a little more about them. I’d imagine that most of the things he said about Davinci and the Holy Grail were well researched. Then again, outside the Masons, Dead Sea Scrolls, Nag Hammadi texts, and Gospel of Phillip, I have to take his word for it.

AJ mentioned she had trouble with things that “attacked the church.” I can’t say I saw that. The only real conflict I did see was an emphasis on the non-divinity of Jesus Christ. Brown more or less says that Christ was like Mohammad, a great teacher whose history grew to legend status over hundreds of years only to be further twisted by politicians seeking to control the masses.

*************************************SPOILER*****************************************
Brown’s comments about Mary Magdalene (or the things he says Davinci and the Priory say) don’t seem too far fetched. So Christ was married? Duh. He had a kid? Well, I don’t know, but it makes sense. His family was forever hidden after his crucifixion then forever protected by a secret society dedicated to protect his bloodline and the secrets of the Grail? Secrets which…aren’t that important because everyone who wants to know the true story of Christ already has it. That does sound like fiction, but I don’t find it offensive.

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