The arrows don't have poison but they bruise

Right now, I’m frantically trying to get my things together so I can leave Washington first thing Saturday morning. I have an overwhelming sense of closure in this chapter of my life, and I think it’s only fitting to end this blog with it.

For many years, I've felt Ed Kowalczyk’s lyrics represented much of what I was about, what I felt, and what I saw. But now the time has come for me to be something else and follow someone new. Thank you dear readers and goodbye Heropsychodreamer, you were a good friend (and a worthy opponent).

Je te verrai à La Cinquième Montagne.

Poison in the Ink - The New Amsterdams

These relics of remembrance are just like shipwrecks, only they’re gone faster than the smell after it rains.

25 is a special number for me today.

In its honor, I shall recount, in no particular order, 25 events and items worth remembering from my summer.

1 500 g bottle of L-glutamine consumed
10 lbs gained
1 authentic Seattle Uitilikilt received as a gift
1 Columbia Titanium Grade Jacket purchased
400+ hours acquiring/tuning man skills
4 months first-hand exposure to/interaction with “the other side.”
1 Nude cyclist event attended
1 1996 Tacoma broken and entered
1 Fender 8G – ES acquired
1 Old friendship reborn
2 Friendships deepened
1 Tire repair kit reluctantly purchased
1 Stack of clothes disposed of
2 Mountains partially hiked
200 miles ridden via bicycle
60 miles run via a pair of New Balance 1006’s
4 Books purchased
2 CDs ordered
1 Life perspective overhauled
3 Single friends lost (and 3 Married friends gained)
1 Longboard given to GoodWill
1 Small stack of clothing trashed
1 Relationship reluctantly ended
1 POS fleece given to GoodWill (Sentimentalism should be used sparingly. The past easily turns to excess baggage.)

I don’t have any regrets, but there are a few things I wish I’d done. There’s always a few “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.”

My Spanish project never took off. It’s not necessary for the FBI, but it would be nice to have. Luckily, I still have a few years to learn it. It’s too bad I wasn’t able to find/make more opportunities to get to know Biotech Girl. She was really cool. I should have started voice lessons as soon as I got to Seattle rather than waiting a month, but I still had time to improve significantly. I should have made more time for temple outings; I wish I had.

I have another year to do better, and hopefully, another 75 after that.

So Long Astoria - The Ataris

And I can't wait 'til I get home to pass the time in my room alone.

I can do it.

I can do it.

A 55 hour work week is still a vacation compared to the coming weeks of school. The past 15 weeks of design and fabrication have all been for this purpose only. Two days to run experiments; one day to calculate, analyze, write, and conclude. (Guru. I make these goals for closure and for pride. We both know that no decent scientist EVER rushes his experimentation into such a small time bracket.)

I can do it.

I am resilient to all things physical and most things mental...I have come too far to merely float and watch my last week end sans bruit.

Adam's Song - Blink 182

Woke up today to everything gray, and all that I saw just kept going on and on.

I spent most of my last Saturday in Seattle with MSU. We hiked a small area around Rainere and talked. At the summit of the hike, we stopped in a large medaow full of wild flowers.

The feeling isn't the same as the one from our hike in May. At Mt. Si, you can look off the edge of a cliff and get an amazing view. From up there, the world is small yet complete. The tiny streams, ridges, and trees fit together seamlessly, and the result is inspiring.

At Rainere, it's the opposite. For miles, a dense forest compresses your view to 20 feet. You don't know where you're going or when you'll get there. Then, BAAAM, the world is huge. You are suddenly surrounded by rocks, trees, grass, flowers, and glaciers; the meadow stretches on. It goes on without you and doesn't care what you do or what you think. It just is. In this environment, a person has three choices:

1. Let the medow continue to be himself and be happy to witness a little bit of his beauty.
2. Be angry that he moves without your permission and find a box to hide in.
3. Get pissed off that you missed Tour de France re-runs.

What You Wish For - Guster

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want.

Career Update: After consulting with MSU and a few others, I've once again decided that leaps of faith should only be taken when they must and never when they mustn't. I'm finding that I'm quite scared of getting stuck in a bureaucracy that requires me to be quiet and not make any noise in order to survive.

It's true that I could take a chance and finish all the initial stages of my FBI application. With luck, everything else would go as planned, and I'd have my life career ready-packaged in T-minus Two years and one week. However, what do I gain by rushing things? One less year as an engineer. That's pretty much it. Really, what is one year in 25?

Looking at my job over the last four months, I've noticed a few changes in the abilities of "Mike the human Swiss Army knife." My newly acquired "man skills" make even the Mike of January 2006 look like a punk 4th grader with a screwdriver.

When I go to the FBI, my career as an engineer will be over forever. There will be no going back unless I wash out as a special agent and talk someone into giving me a spot on the professional staff. But who wants to work for the government as a science weenie? The pay is still low, the bureaucracy is still there, but now you all you do is work behind the scenes. Actually, these comments are all my own speculation. What do I know? The bottom line is a government job would only be worth it for me if I could see AND do stuff that is inaccessible otherwise.

So I've decided to slow down a little bit. I'll finish my degree and go be a real person for a while. The FBI isn't going anywhere and I won't lose the chance to get a Ph.D. if I decide law enforcement isn't for me. By waiting, I'll be able to gain some actual knowledge as to what life is like as an engineer, more time to compare first-hand experience (as oppose to second-hand speculations), and of course, more time to acquire even higher level man skills (that absolutely no one but me will ever care about).

Miss you - Blink 182

Get your hands off the girl. Can't you see that she belongs to me. And I don't appreciate this excess company.

Tonight was the first time I thought it might actually be nice stay out here. A few of us walked along Akila beech until the sun set. Had the sky not been overcast, the scene would have come from the most cliche teen flick ever. Still, cliches have good things in them too.

There is something happy and free about lakes and city lights and beeches, and there is something immensely satisfying about having someone(s) there to enjoy it with you.

Perfect Situation - Weezer

See the man with the lonely eyes, take his hand, you'll be surprised.

Over the course of the summer, I’ve befriended a kid in my ward. B1 is intelligent, quiet, enthusiastic about the church, yet extremely unsure of himself. Since I came out to Seattle, he’s been trying to decide if he should serve a mission. Unlike a lot of 19 year-olds, I think he grasps the magnitude of that decision. The significance of the temple endowment; the commitment it involves. “Duh!! EVERY worthy young man should serve a mission. There’s nothing to question…” But see? There is. It’s rather naïve to base one’s life decisions off the council of an authority figure, even if you do trust him/her. If there are any decisions that merit divine confirmation, this choice is one of them.

What does a person do when no answer comes? I know I’ve mentioned the dilemma before, but it really is a serious one. The answer to that question is very telling about a person’s true beliefs and desires. Many of the typical Mormon answers lead in to a self-sustaining circle, and though many don’t realize it, when you enter this circle, there is no need for God at all. He could disappear completely, and nothing would change. It’s a difficult trail, and I feel bad for my friend. He has no family support, and from what I can see, not a lot of social support either. I think missions can be a great thing, but they can be a terrible thing too. I think B1 will be alright, but he first must consolidate who he is, who he wants to be, and who he thinks he should be. Many people give up before they hit that point; I hope he won't be one of them.

Give a Little Bit - The Goo Goo Dolls

I got static in my head. The reflected sound of everything, tried to go to where it led, but it didn't lead to anything.

After three months, I finally made good on my promise to RCW and attended a Mariner's game. Unfortunately, I was unable to bring Biotech Girl along, but even alone, sport spectating is quite fun. The beautiful stadium, the cheering, team colors, the $4.00 bottled water, it's all great. Baseball is more chill than other sports, and I think it gives a person more time to kick back and let the game's atmosphere soak in.

This evening, Tennessee Girl invited me to come with her and company to an outdoor movie. It's like a weekly Renton sponsored family night. Tonight we all brought pillows and blankets and laid on the grass to watch the 15' presentation of Back to the Future I.

When Michael J. Fox's nose is 4 feet long or his coffee mug is the size of a bed, you notice things you may not have seen before. Tonight, I got a really close view of "the look." Not just from Emma Thompson, but also from Marty's girlfriend. I'd say she does it even better, and in truth, I'm rather disturbed.

If a bad actress can do a good simulation of "the look," why not any regular person? Are there no guarantees at all in love?

I don't think so, but I don't think that's bad. Most humans crave stability and reliablity, yet many of those same people crave drama, which is almost the opposite. I think this contradictory nature stands on the idea that love, though needing stability, also needs passion. Passion is easily found in drama, necessary or not . I would be a hypocrite to frown on people who sincerely like drama.

I'm never passionate about my functioning truck or an accurate oxygen sensor or a content family member. I am passionate about unlocking my door, debugging a GC, or finding the best way to stuff a group of thermocouples into a reactor. I confess that I find more excitement in having/solving problems than being happy that I have none.

On a related note, it sure is nice to sit back and laugh with another person. The Mariner's game was fun, but really, without some one there with me, it was just a bunch of middle aged men swinging sticks at balls of string. Life is too short to sit back and constantly watch others live it.

Tomorrow Tomorrow - Elliott Smith

and do you like making out and long drives and brown eyes and guys that just don't...quite...fit in?

Last night I attended a show at one of the nicer night clubs in Seattle. After picking dinner from the Pan-Asian menu, myself, MSU, and company sat back and watched Ska Cubana do their thing. I didn't think they were fantastic, but I don't know anything about music. Watching eventually turned into much shameless dancing with a couple dozen other attendants. I even danced with a gay man, sort of. It was fun.

Dancing is still a funny thing for me. As with singing and any other performance related activity, my motion (unintentionally) is about as fluid as a cubic boulder trying to roll down a hill. Combine this tendency with some congo drums and a lot of brass, and I resemble a boxer who has to use the bathroom while trying to warm up for a fight.

Actually, I’m even less graceful. My gay friend migrated his way into a group of attractive females giving me the "dude, I'm totally giving you an in" look. I had to laugh.

It was a good night.

So Impossible - Dashboard Confessional

And I'm not bitter, no. It's just I've past that point in my life.

I went to F1’s reception yesterday, and it was amazing.

I have no choice but to retract all negative thoughts about that relationship. Her two younger siblings were there, bored to tears, so I entertained them for a few minutes with stories of bad road trips and drivers who forget they are in America. F1’s mom was also present and very interested in talking. I like to think she had no choice because she was so impressed with me after the initial fifteen second wedding-line conversation (after all I DID wear nice shoes). She possilby could have simply needed a warm, almost familiar face with which to converse; she too knew all of three out of the 60 adults present. I was happy to oblige and left after an hour and a half with the best piece of wedding cake I’ve ever had and a long hug from a close friend. I’ve needed one of those for months.

Driving home, I had a transcendent moment of peace; the turmoil that is my normal life disappeared. Everything fit - the shade of the sky, the number of clouds in it, the hum of my truck, even poor Carrabba’s song about the little things that make a person special. I thought about being back with that group of friends I made almost two years ago - the eleven of us back together again, laughing like old times.

I thought about a friend of mine who recently went through a confusing, abrupt break-up that put her in shambles for a while. The last time we talked, she said, “Mike, I think my problem is I get too involved. Too much of my identity is caught up in finding and being with someone else. If I don’t have someone to love/love me, I don’t have anything. I think I need to zoom out for a while and take some ‘me’ time. I think I need to better learn to be happy with me rather than me with soandso." I certainly understand where she’s coming from, and I think there is a lot of emotional health to be found in being content with oneself as a lone individual. I don’t particularly like that image, and I haven't really worried about Mike's image of himself in a long time. But truthfully, driving home Tuesday evening, I fully agreed that being happy with ones own indiviuality was a necessity, and maybe, the one thing so many unhappy people lack.

I'm ready I am - The Format