He was bad, He was never good, But one thing that he understood, And she knew, All these lies would come true.

There is something about cheerfulness that always makes life better. Here in Seattle, a few random people never cease to make me smile inside, not because they are funny or silly, but because they are uplifting in everything they do, I quite like it.

Example 1. Rene the grocery store cashier. Rene came to the states in pursuit of a woman and decided to stay; I don’t know if he’s still with her. Every time I buy my groceries, we make friendly small-talk. Yes, we have yet to solve the mysteries of the universe or reconcile my issues with humanity, but there IS something else. Something so genuinely good, so perfectly warm about this man, I cannot help but be happy when I see him.

Example 2. Ti the UPS Store manager. I came to his place once because it was after 5:00pm and the post office had closed. He was friendly and seemed only to want me to have a good experience while he was around. I had to pay double because the company doesn’t do media mail, yet, surprisingly, I didn’t care. I continue to visit Ti with my postage needs. I don’t know that he recognizes me now, but I still believe he holds a level of sincerity beyond that of even the “nicest” ward 19 year old.

Example 3. Lenny the electrician who works at my company. Despite not having a buddy named Carl, Lenny is great. I ran into him once in the reference library. We introduced ourselves, and he never forgot my name. Who remembers the name of an intern!!? Now, Lenny always says “Hi Mike” when he sees me. Even when the guy is tired, he smiles. Even when he’s super busy, he will stop for a few minutes to tell you were to look for DIN rail-mounted circuit breakers and then go on to explain, in detail, the best way to mount your power sources on an electrical panel.

And you know what, these three guys DO remind me, in a way, of someone in Hollywood…

May I learn to be like them all.

On with the Show - The Get Up Kids

I wish there was something I could say, to erase each and every page you've been through, eventhough it's not my place to save you.

Today, I got another glimpse of what love feels like. I cried like a baby.

My Reply - The Ataris

No point in living in my adolescent dreams.

I have a few favorite bands. Two of my three released new music this month, Live and Guster. Live cut their teeth in their 1994 sophomore album, Throwing Copper. Everyone knew Live’s music even if they didn’t know the band’s name, and for good reason, that CD rocks.

A couple years later, Live released a third album. Fans wanted another hard rock tribute to crashing lightning, placentas, being all over you, and making money off fans; what they got was insight into Ed Kowalczyk’s spiritual journey. The album was personal and much darker than its predecessor. Surprise surprise, the album saw little success.

From Secret Samadhi, Live continued to produce music and change their sound. They tried to send a more uplifting message to their fans, but in my opinion, their new goal only served to cheese out much of their work. You can usually find a couple good songs on each CD, but overall, the music has lost its creativity to me.

Guster is different. Like Live, they change their sound with successive CDs. But unlike Live, their music is free of self-importance and over simplified themes. Guster simply sings and plays about life in general, happy, sad, depressing, odd, cool, anything. Every CD is a new adventure. It’s like a book by your favorite author or movie by your favorite director. Well, MY favorite artists that is. You never know what they’re going to say or how they will do it, but you can trust it will be quality.

I guess everyone isn’t like me. Change and improvement make my life worth while. I guess I should be happy I’m the oddball. Otherwise, bands like Guster would be even more popular than they already are and liking them wouldn’t be cool anymore.

Guster’s latest album is what I call an “end of the day” CD. Similar to R.E.M.’s Automatic for the People (in overall vibe, not sound), Ganging Up on the Sun is good for sitting back after a long day and remembering that life is still full of…well, life.

Right now, I’m thinking a lot about the past. Ryan Miller echos

I wanna pull it apart and put it back together
I wanna relive all my adolescent dreams
Inspired by true events on movie screens
I am a one man wrecking machine

I often find that to understand the present, I must reconstruct the past. I have to rehash my decisions and relive old experiences. Yes, mister Miller, I understand exactly how you feel (I just wish I had your range.)

One Man Wrecking Machine - Ryan Miller

I'm not fully convinced that there's something wrong with this, could another point of view, biased and untrue, tear me away from you?

Yesterday’s endeavors fried me. The sun out here cannot be trusted; the weatherman cannot be trusted. Yesterday morning was cold and cloudy, so I brought my awesomeo jacket. The weather stayed as it began for a couple hours then BAM the sun is out with maximum radiation with poor little Mike caught with his proverbial pants down, defenseless to the elements.

This morning I woke up, face baked to an intense pink. I spent the morning reflecting yesterdays events and conversation and left for church at 2:00pm. Can I just say that I loath such a late meeting time? Ugghh. Needless to say, I was not particularly happy today. But I will say this. The contrast between Church today and the festival yesterday was significant.

Don’t get me wrong. The festival (for the most part) was harmless. The people had a good time, and simply acted how they wanted to act. Deep down, I knew I didn’t belong with them however. I could be wrong, but I don’t believe I’ve been brainwashed by my Bible-Belt upbringing. I feel that I’m open enough that when I see things that “fit” me, I can embrace them without hesitation. Yesterday was an example of educational exposure (too educational if you ask me). In contrast, today I was at church, crispy and unhappy. Yet momentarily, I found peace, and it was wonderful.

Valentine - Get Up Kids

Don't want a hippe chick, or a disco queen, just want the girl, from a na-nineteen eighty-three

The Annual Fremont Solstice Parade...let me tell you…boy-oh-boy...

I saw it coming, but nothing really prepares you for fifty nude cyclists riding around the block for 45 minutes on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Painted head to toe, not painted at all, young, old, tall, long, short, skinny, fat, A, DD, and everything in between. George Bush, The Pope, tree spirits, a guy that looked like he came from a Chemical Brothers video, Napoleon, a tiger, a cowboy, Spiderman, all kinds of stuff.

Yes, naked people are gross; I now have knowledge of this fact. However, from another perspective, the event was completely harmless and non-sexual. Families brought their kids (ages 1-15). We all sat around and cheered the crowds; many signed socially progressive petitions. Fun for all breeds, shapes, and attired. A dozen floats, dancing East-Indians, forest spirits, fertility gods, and “Beat the (George) Bush,” a ten foot president and a six-foot spinnable wheel with pictures of all kinds of nasty fates and their accompanying articles of destruction (the three-foot boot on a pole was my favorite).

The fair had a relaxed aura to it. No commercialization, no electric motors, no text. MSU really likes the environment. “Americans are too uptight about everything.Their religious “morals” often miss the point. They paint such a dark picture of human nature.” I had to agree.

Today, I decided that hippie chicks are not for me, not by a long shot. I should have talked to a few of them, but I wasn’t in the mood. For me, the general vibe of the event was good enough. Down in the park, a guy sang while playing an accordion. At the front of the dancing, thirty-person crowd was a girl, my age, topless, and painted red and white, head to toe.

“She’s cute.”
"....”
“Don’t you think she’s cute?”
“Mehhhhhh…I don’t’ feel any kind of attraction.”
“Well, yeah but look at her. There’s nothing wrong with what she’s doing. She’s not hurting anyone. She's just enjoying life.”

Such comments seemed to be the theme of the festival, and yes, I agree with the last part of MSU’s statement.

Returning to my previous point, today I learned, officially, that I like clothing. I like brassieres. I think razors are good, and I prefer that people exercise and be a little worldly. I admire many things in what I perceive as the hippie mentality. However, I definitely did not feel “at home” today. It’s very possible that “my people” may yet be found somewhere in this city, but Fremont is not that place.

Next Sunday is the gay pride parade. Maybe I’ll find my Missing Piece there. :)

New Wave Girl - Nerf Herder

You wore a shirt of violent green, uh-huh, I never understood the-fre-quen-cy, uh-huh.

Now that I have a little money, I’m zooming out to take a look at my material possessions and deciding what I can buy to make myself more desirable to all the new lady-types in my life. As you’d expect, I’m starting with my clothes. It’s funny, you work in a chemistry lab for two years and new holes never cease to appear weekly on even the best of Old Navy $10 T-shirts. I’d guess my average shirt has 20 sulfuric acid stylistic enhancements.

I bought some new stuff. Actually, I’m buying A LOT of new stuff. Actually, I’m virtually chucking everything but my newest shirts and favorite jeans. In some ways, it’s sort of sad. For example, I replaced my POS fleece with a Columbia jacket I found on clearance. The material is awesome; I think my new jacket even claims to be bullet proof (I’m trying it out the first robbery I encounter). However POS fleece was there when I was learning to tolerate the French as a greenie missionary (by “the Fench” I mean "my trainer"). POS Fleece was there when I saw my first sub-20 degree winter. POS fleece was there on rainy bike rides up to campus for my last two years at BYU. I really don’t want to see him go despite the fact that all but his main zipper have fallen apart and that his elastic drawcord broke in the first six months of ownership. Despite the fact that he’s too big and despite the fact that even my celestial mother said he was ugly. Despite the fact that he was never very good to start with much less be worth anything six years later.

POS fleece in many ways is like me. A while back, TB and I (and maybe Cinderella too) had a conversation about St. Exupery’s “apprivoiser.” “Ca signifie, ‘creer des liens..’” The world is always more beautiful in French. Literaly, the phrase means, “to create some ties/links.” The Fox and the Rose are special to the Little Prince because they are “unique au monde.” More accurately, they are unique to HIS world. I think real friends are similar. You hang on to them, not because they are particularly convenient or useful or even at all helpful, but because they have become special to you as an individual.

Where do such feelings leave POS fleece? In the closet for now. You'd better ask me again when I have to move back to Utah. Special things are great aids when I need to feel human, and on most days, there's nothing I want more than to remember the good times of the past. Nevertheless, nothing boots you back into reality like 12 hours crammed in a compact-pickup. It's only there that you realize what is truly apprivoisee and what is just a piece of crap you should have trashed years ago.
What's the Frequency Kenneth - Michael Stipe

teach me wrong from right, and I'll show you what I can be...Say it if it's worth saving me.

What does it take to pollute another person’s ideas? A stray thought? A bad comment from another person? Fifty negative comments?

Here’s the kicker. What if those original ideas ARE false? What if reality IS polluted? Say you have a choice: happy, motivated, and blind to reality or aware and unenthusiastic? As you probably know, I’ll always pick the latter when given the choice, but what about when I don’t know the choice is available? I WILL be happier and more dedicated to the cause not knowing the truth. How can I embrace a cause I believe to be either false or severely lacking in design?

I voluntarily choose misery over happiness (at times). If you ask me why, I’ll tell you it’s not really happiness v/s unhappiness; it’s fiction v/s reality. “Does that negative reality make you any better off?” Today, I say “no.” Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel differently.

Oh, and I finally started a fire in my lab today. As always, it was small enough that I kept it off the books. I’m like, 6 for 6 now.

Savin' Me - Nickelback. No I don't own one of their crappy CDs, I just thought these lyrics were applicable. Afterall, the group isn't ALL bad.

Caution on the road lies lies and hidden danger. Southern California's breeding mommy's little monster.

Last week I noticed movies were on sale at Hollywood Video, 5 for $20. Though it was impulsive, I figured I’d take a chance. How can you argue with $4 a movie? Here’s what I picked:

Closer
I Heart Huckabees
A Mighty Wind
Garden State
Big Fish

I’ve never seen the first three, but they seemed to have possibilities.

I’ve wanted to see Closer since it came out a few years ago. Critics gave decent/good reviews, and Natalie Portman and Clive Owen received Oscar nominations for their parts. A week ago, I watched it in my self-made home theatre. On a scale of 1 to 5, the film hits a 3 (1 being average, Goodwill Hunting being a 5, 12 Monkeys a 4, X-men a 2). Closer has four characters, a female stripper, a female photographer, a male doctor, and a male writer. Among the above actors, Jude Law, and Julia Roberts, can you guess who plays who? The plot is a heterosexual, love diamond, but the focus is on Jude Law. As Time Magazine reviewer remarked, it’s an adult sex movie without sex. Unfortunately, I can’ recommend anyone see it. In fact if you ARE thinking about seeing, I would discourage you unless you’ve spent at least 100 hours in a male, high school locker room. Is it that explicit? No. It’s beyond. If you DO see it and ARE able to see beyond the dialogue and STILL appreciate the movie's message, you win my respect. That said, if you actually ENJOYED it, I'm afraid you are too perverse for even me (but you can have my copy of the film, I'll sell it otherwise).

Last night was I Heart Huckabees. Coincidentally, Jude Law is in this one too. I think it’s a movie I’ll watch about once a year. Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin are Existentialist Detectives who “solve” the related problems of their patients. If you like artsy movies, you’ll like this one. I do suggest you skip the sex scene however. It’s less graphic than the one in Thank You for Smoking (which wasn’t at all graphic), but it’s also…well...a scene that involves sex. A half naked man? I don't want to see that.

Easy Target - Mark Hoppus

We once walked out on the beach and once I almost touched your hand. How I dreamed to finally say such things yet only to pretend.

It’s Saturday morning, and I’m fighting two mirrors in attempt to cut my hair in the back. My phone rings, so I stumble over to it, hands covered in hair, “Mike, I’m freaking out. I’m almost hyperventilating!!!” One of my bestest closest friends, Purdue Girl, was driving to a Church History museum in Missouri to meet THE GUY. She was introduced to him through a friend about a month ago. Email correspondence turned to phone correspondence which then turned to “talking until 3:00am” correspondence. In five minutes, she was going to meet him in person for the first time. As background, she had driven home to St. Louis for a couple weeks from Indiana. TG lived a few hours away, so it was a good opportunity for them to meet.

“WHY am I so nervous? I’m NOT like this.” “Because you’re playing for real this time. Trust me, I know how you feel. The most nerve racking moment of my life was a similar situation. Playing for real is stressful because you’re afraid of messing up. The outcome DOES matter this time. So what would you like? I can patiently listen as you explain your feelings and calm your nerves, or I can tell you what to do.” “I don't know what the hell is going on, tell me what to do." (I should have savoured the moment. I may never get that request again.)

In a nutshell, I told PG to breathe and the new situation changes nothing. When you play for real, you feel extra pressure to make things work, to the point of being somebody else even. Yet we know we’re not supposed to be somebody else, so red flags start going off everywhere. People get so lost in the moment, they forget that no matter what happens, the sun still rises in the East and credit card bills wait for no man. The good news is that unlike mine, this story has a happy ending (so far).

Talking to PG yesterday and last Saturday resurrected a few memories in me.

Love is absolutely the greatest in the woyld. To the best of my knowledge, the one thing better than being in love and absolutely enthralled with someone who deserves such admiration is having that feeling be mutual. It’s sad, but I think a lot of people go through life without those feelings. I think some even get married without them.

What does a person do when there is a void of love in their life? Becoming obsessed with something I don’t have is a trap that grabs me on my low days. I have a hard time imagining my life without love, yet occasionally, such a future seems rather likely. And the more I think about it, the more I obsess/worry, and the more unhealthy my thoughts become. Now that many of my closest friends are finding SO’s that are S in the long term sense of the word, I have to take a step back and observe. “How did this happen? Why did this happen? Am I doing something wrong? Am I doing anything right?” Unfortunately, I can only reach one real conclusion. Time and location do their own thing. (That and giving up and hiding in a pit with lots of cats is still a bad idea…for now.)

If you don't, don't - Jimmy Eat World