Revelations come to people so slow Frightening

This post is truly characteristic of the heading to my blog.

Last night, Stacie and Jeri stopped by. Jeri’s sister died from a drug overdose the night before. I cannot comprehend what it must feel like. There is no solace. No reparation. No real comfort. No peace. Only a large void. No matter what you do, when a loved one dies, they’re gone. No matter how you look at it, no matter how much you cry, curse God, and writhe in you sleep, the facts remain. Being with Jeri last night was quite sobering, yet, I must still acknowledge that all trials to have purpose. Everything in my own life that has made me grow or progress in any significant way, has been horrendously difficult. Every personal philosophy, every muscle, and every ounce of mental fortitude I possess have come from blood, sweat, and tears. It is ludicrous to be grateful for trials while they are happening, but I wouldn’t trade my past for anything.

It reminds me of the altered chous to Adam's Song

I never conquered, rarely came
tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
Well I can't wait to get outside
the world is wide, the time goes by
the tour is over, I've survived
And I can't wait 'til I get home to pass the time in my room alone.

Changing the subject, there’s a BB topic about never getting married. I think it's sad that there are so many people who feel they are practically worthless in the eyes of others. It’s sad that many of my friends that have the “fraud” complex. It’s sad that so few see the things about them that make them beautiful. There are others that have left Provo who I wish I could’ve met. At least I could have been one more to tell them, “No, you aren’t crazy. You have as much worth as anyone else. People are people. Rather than allow them to make you feel out of place,inferior, and angry, you should pity them and be grateful that God blessed you with perception. Yes, there is sadness and depresion in knowldege and understanding, but there is also warmth, peace, and fulfillment that will bring a joy that many others will never know."

Changing the subject again. Sometimes I feel like I need to restate my thoughts just to remind myself what matters. I don’t care about a big fancy job or degree. I don’t care about money or vacations. I don’t care about recognition. I don’t care about having the physique of an underwear model or the speed of a world class athlete. All I need is a wife, a dog, and a small piece of land away from the world. So WHY am I working towards all those other things? I guess maybe I don't feel I can attain the latter without the former. Myabe having the things that don't matter will better enable me to understand and apprciate the things that do once I find them. I don't know.