If it makes you less sad, I'll keep out of the state. You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way.

I’m going to talk about yet another unresolved issue of my past. Be ye warned.

After my first two semesters as a returned missionary, I returned home for the summer. There I met Magna Girl. She had moved to TN about eight months ago, and we got to know each other through the Young Single Adult group. MG was cool and fun to hang out with; we became good friends fairly quickly. Romantically, she wasn’t for me unfortunately. After I returned to BYU the following August, MG and I kept in loose contact and hung out over Christmas. Come January (I think), while talking on the phone, she revealed to me that her interest was not so platonic after all. In the nicest way I could conceive, I told her I wasn’t really interested in anyone. After an awkward pause, we changed the subject. A month later, we were talking on the phone, and MG says very casually, “Mike you’re just too good for me.” “You’re serious aren’t you? I think you’ve got me all wrong…” “No, it’s okay. I understand, really…” I couldn't change her mind.

Last year, another good friend WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS NOT THAT SHE READS MY BLOG OR ANYTHING told me on a couple occasions that I was good at making her feel stupid. It wasn’t in a “I feel dumb around you” way. It was a “YOU MAKE me feel stupid” way.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I put a lot of stock in how people treat each other. I cannot think of another human trait that carries more weight in this life and probably the next. Naturally, I’m not a fan of making the people I love feel bad about themselves. When a close friend, someone who knows and observes me well, makes a comment about how I’ve made them feel inferior, it cuts pretty deep. Not because, I’m offended, but because it probably IS my fault they feel that way.

I’m bothered by the use of the word “good” here. It is terribly subjective, and yet somehow it is more often than not a term for comparison. I don’t understand how me in my narrow little world defines how some people define "good." Even worse is seeing that dspite a close friendship, I’ve wrecked the balance.

I'm sorry to report I have yet to make everyone around me feel equal. (Please no commentary on this topic. I just have to create some record of my thoughts). So the question of the hour is, “What should I do differently?”

I imagine I’ll keep asking that question for a long time.

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Jesse Lacey