Every day you're on my mind, Pain is feeling passing time

Weekend conclusions:

Interesting people believe in doing things.
You can't ever forget that people are people. Strangely, that can be a hard thing to do in this age of long distance communication.
You really can forget about people when you stop looking at their pictures, sending them letters, and getting responses.
$13 of Halloween candy is enough to kill a man, even divied up five ways. <groan>

Revelations come to people so slow Frightening

This post is truly characteristic of the heading to my blog.

Last night, Stacie and Jeri stopped by. Jeri’s sister died from a drug overdose the night before. I cannot comprehend what it must feel like. There is no solace. No reparation. No real comfort. No peace. Only a large void. No matter what you do, when a loved one dies, they’re gone. No matter how you look at it, no matter how much you cry, curse God, and writhe in you sleep, the facts remain. Being with Jeri last night was quite sobering, yet, I must still acknowledge that all trials to have purpose. Everything in my own life that has made me grow or progress in any significant way, has been horrendously difficult. Every personal philosophy, every muscle, and every ounce of mental fortitude I possess have come from blood, sweat, and tears. It is ludicrous to be grateful for trials while they are happening, but I wouldn’t trade my past for anything.

It reminds me of the altered chous to Adam's Song

I never conquered, rarely came
tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
Well I can't wait to get outside
the world is wide, the time goes by
the tour is over, I've survived
And I can't wait 'til I get home to pass the time in my room alone.

Changing the subject, there’s a BB topic about never getting married. I think it's sad that there are so many people who feel they are practically worthless in the eyes of others. It’s sad that many of my friends that have the “fraud” complex. It’s sad that so few see the things about them that make them beautiful. There are others that have left Provo who I wish I could’ve met. At least I could have been one more to tell them, “No, you aren’t crazy. You have as much worth as anyone else. People are people. Rather than allow them to make you feel out of place,inferior, and angry, you should pity them and be grateful that God blessed you with perception. Yes, there is sadness and depresion in knowldege and understanding, but there is also warmth, peace, and fulfillment that will bring a joy that many others will never know."

Changing the subject again. Sometimes I feel like I need to restate my thoughts just to remind myself what matters. I don’t care about a big fancy job or degree. I don’t care about money or vacations. I don’t care about recognition. I don’t care about having the physique of an underwear model or the speed of a world class athlete. All I need is a wife, a dog, and a small piece of land away from the world. So WHY am I working towards all those other things? I guess maybe I don't feel I can attain the latter without the former. Myabe having the things that don't matter will better enable me to understand and apprciate the things that do once I find them. I don't know.

It's all i'm doing now, listening for patterns in the sound of an endless static sea

Imagine for a second that you devote your life to one sole purpose. For an entire year, everything you do and think about is in relation to your goal. EVERY minute of EVERY day and night, everything you eat, everything you spend your time on. Imagine now that the year’s preparation comes down to a 4 hour competition. You lose. For another year, you do the same thing. You lose again. A third and fourth year go by with the same results. In the fifth year you somehow find a way to continue to progress. You improve more than ever before. Your peers agree that you’ve hit a new level. You know that this year is going to be the one. You lose again. What do you do next? Are you an idiot or are you inspiring?

Like I said simultaneously everything that’s right and wrong with sports.

Some good friends came over for dinner last night. One of them is still in love with her old boyfriend who just got back from a mission in August. He wants to maintain a close friendship but doesn’t want to date her. This is understandable because who in their right mind knows what they really want at 21. Still, it’s tearing my friend to pieces because she can’t move on until there is some level of closure which there really can’t be for a long time. Ughhh. What a mess. Sadly, I know exactly how she feels.

Don't don't you sound so excited showing me your vanity?

A few of this week's highlights.

So Monday morning (7:30 am) I’m riding to school on my bike. As I’m pulling into the bike racks at the Clyde building, I notice a janitesse sweeping the walk. Being a guy, naturally, I look off in her direction. Smooth as 50 grit sand paper, I promptly crash into the bike racks evoking a shriek from the tired/bored/unsuspecting custodial worker.

Saturday is the annual Mr. Olympia competition. Ronnie Coleman, Jay Cutler, and Gunter Schlierkamp look to be the top three. How classy are the 19 competitors? Let’s take a look.

From Flexonline.com

"Gustavo Badell, third in the Olympia last year, personally calling out Ronnie Coleman for an impromptu posedown. Gustavo stripped down and stepped onto conference table, while Ronnie declined to do the same. To Gustavo’s claim that he could move up and win the crown, Ronnie replied, “Somebody ought to take the crack from that fool.”

And this clown isn't even going to make it to the top 5

Mustafa Mohammad, making the claim that he had the biggest legs in bodybuilding, which led to a friendly thigh-vs.-thigh comparison with Branch Warren. After an equal response to both from the crowd, Cicherillo called the showdown a draw.

Amusing or disgusting? Both I guess

Also notable is what didn’t happen, and that’s a repeat of last year, in which Gunter and Ronnie exchanged words that melted down into a frenetic and unexpected posedown. While Jay and Gunter spoke strongly, saying they have what it takes this year to win it all and beat Ronnie, they seemed willing to save the physical conflict for Saturday."

As you can see, bodybuilding press conferences typically consist of two 300 pound, normally dressed behemoths shouting at each other. A minute later, two 300 pound speedo clad behemounths continuing to shoult while quickly trying to hit different poses as they fling insults back and forth. If that’s not good old fashioned American sportsmanship, I don’t know what is.

BYU homecoming is also this week. Homecoming…HA

Yesterday, outside Cost-Co, some dude was giving away black Labrador pups. Naturally my roommate couldn’t resist. To bad we have to leave him at a friend’s house south of campus. This is yet one more reason to move out of Brandbury.

Ah glorious day.

And in all the idiots I see Thoughtless men casting doubts on me Enlightening

Ahhh... My foot works fully again, and my grip is back to normal. So I’ve got a few winter routines:

1)The creatine laced meat-head.
2)The struggling triathloner
3)The uber swimmer.

Pros
1) I might be able to get my bench press above 280 and beyond. Further establish dominance/identity in the ward. Look better if I go for the Trojan Man Halloween costume (admittedly, that probably won't happen).
2) I’d be in better shape come spring. My abs would look better. Overall aerobic condition would be optimal.
3) I need the most practice in this area. Swimmers have to use their arms a lot, so it would be a good supplement to weight-lifting.

Cons
1)Chicks don’t dig muscles. Most prefer the 150lb me to the 165lb me. Too bad I’m not taller. My endurance will plummet.
2)Training in the cold sucks. If I don’t eat like crazy I’ll lose even more weight. Endurance training is more mentally taxing.
3)The 24 hour pool is miniscule. It’s crowded. I haven’t mastered flip turns yet.

hmmm....

So I'm hunched over a typewritter, I guess you could call it "painting in a cage."

So Friday…

Finished class and work
Didn’t get AJ’s number, but I did set up a tentative double with Chris however. That’s a start.
Ben never showed up so I didn’t touch his motorcycle.
Jake was running late and didn’t buy new break pads.
Didn’t get around to running, but I did make it to the gym.
Didn’t make it to Low’s, so my mirror is unfinished and hair still uncut.
I DID make it to the mall, and I AM certain I won’t be going back for a long time.
I didn’t talk to Shelley, but I DID talk to her about her car on Sunday.

Friday tally: 4/9

Saturday

Ward service project (aka we've got nothing better to do than transplant cilantro)
Got reacquainted with Lindsey; it turns out that life sucks when the guy you love is engaged to someone else.
Went out on an impulse and drove with Jessica to SLC to buy...a shirt.
Took 20 wrong turns because it was dark and raining
Went to Octoberfest…

Sunday

Twenty hours of church meetings
Reaffirmed that my ward has at most little dating potential
Met a new girl anyway
Watched 7 of the 18 inning Astros/Braves game
Called Joseph to laugh at him and his loser team
Listened to Jordan’s 45 minute, "I’m not really a feminatzi" shpeel
Talked briefly to Cristina and remembered all over again that emotion and the empirical world can never be fully separated if you're anything living. I should talk less.

Weekend synopsis: I almost pulled it off, but not quite.

I'll kick and scream or kneel and bleed. I'll fight like Hell to hide that I'm giving up.

An engineering problem is an engineering problem, right? A degree is a degree. That’s what a lot of employers will tell you once you pick your discipline. Nope. At least not according to grad schools.

After researching ten different grad schools, I’ve learned that even after you divide the schools like EE, ME, ChemE, CE, Computer Engineering and so on, you have M.S.E., M.S.(EE, ME, ChemE), and ME(EE, CE, ChemE, ME). You’ve also got fifty different Ph.D’s. My dad thinks I should be careful not to go interdisciplinary because I might water down my degree. He has a point, but like I said before doesn’t understand how little I care about chemicals. Dr. Solen said that ChemE’s get paid about $20,000 more when all is said and done, so as always I’ve go plenty to stew on this week. Fuel cell research is looking good, but I guess that in the end, getting into the school I want is more important than whether I go ME or ChemE. Which of the two programs at each school do I apply to? I’m tired of thinking about this crap. I think I’ll go sniff chemicals.

So I'll find my fears and face them, or I'll cower like a dog.

Ah... glorious Fridays where you're ahead of schedule and can go home early.

Agenda:
Class now
Work until 3:00
Get AJ's number and hopefully forget about York
Go home and help Ben fixed his motorcycle
Help Jake change break pads
Find my way back to the Provo River Trail
Finish building my four square foot hand mirror so I can cut my hair
Take my annual trip to the mall and look for some new clothes
Take another look at Shelley's car (now that my hand is almost fully functional again)

Our world was once forget-me-nots, and now I'll wait another year. I need you here.

So my apartment was spotlighted during ward prayer for the third time. We use "the basket." As the first apartment to use it, we decided to make it good. Among other things, I made a mixed CD of:

Nerf Herder
Saves the Day
The Format
Brand New
The Get Up Kids
Bad Religion
Live
Guster
Bright Eyes
Toad the Wet Sprocket
K's Choice
Blink 182
Nickelcreek
Elliott Smith
The Shin's
Radiohead
Sarah McLachlan
R.E.M.

Listening to it I realized that I'm still pretty screwed up. So many of the songs are about that distant/unattainable lover/friend. I totally didn't do it on purpose. But it fits. I guess even my subconscious is crazy about her. She called me for the last time on Saturday, and now she's in York. Damn me.

Looks like I better turn the music up a little louder and hit the roads and weights a little harder. Yeah, drown out the depression. That's healthy.

You Vandal (the second one)

It turns out that when you don't maintain an instrument for 15 years, it doesn't work too well when you turn it on.

I got soul but I'm not a soldier (yet)

So we're off to the emergency room. Naturally, my sister's car is no longer operational. Some idiot diconnected the battery. Neither Shelley nor her roommate can drive a stick, so we all pile into my dinky truck. I drive one and a half handed to the ER, sign in and wait and wait...and wait. Initially, there are around 10 people in the waiting room, by 10:00 pm, the place it paced. Out of things to do, I call my dad. I needed to talk to him anyway. We talk about careers, he still doesn't seem to get that I really don't care about chemicals. Being a Chem Engineer hired to optomize petroleum cracking or some other chemical process has zero appeal to me. He still believes I should keep my degree general, and he's right. However, as a graduate student I've got to pick something. Anyway, by 9:45 or so, we finally get to see a nurse. Now I'm waiting on an ER cot. The nurse (a rather good looking one I might add, her name was Callie) comes in and tells me she's going to have to give me some shots in my wound and "it's going to hurt like crazy for a few minutes." She suggests I hold on to my sister's hand. I mention that if it really does hurt, Shelley's hand would probably break were I to hold it. I ask if I could just scream like a little girl instead. A reponse shouts out from the adjacent cot, "NO screaming. The is an ER, not the delivery room." She wasn't being hostile or anything. I imagine she'd had a rough day too and decided not to ask her what was wrong. Two and a half hours and fourteen stitches later, I'm out of there. Were it not for a slightly amusing story, the whole night would have been a waste.

Oh somebody kill me please

So I just bombed my fluids test. Nothing but profanity now. I'm not upset, just tired. I don't think there is anything more I could have done to prepare myself for those problems. I needed more time (the story of my life in EVERY aspect).

My fate lies in the stars now.

You tap the brake while I crack the window

Off work by 6:00pm. Time for car repair, then the gym, then hometeaching, then homework. That was what I had planned on.

I took Shelley’s car battery from the chassis and had it tested. It was fine, so I cleaned the electrodes and proceeded to position it back in the car. There is a crossbar with a square nut, and I needed to loosen to get the battery in place. I didn't have a wrench large enough, so I tried a pair of vice grips (Note that I’m too tired and pissed at the world to go up to my lab to get a proper wrench.)

Naturally, I couldn't place the grips flush with the nut because of the crossbar’s geometry, so I angled them the best I could and pulled…really, really hard.

It turns out that even when you’re angry, the laws of physics still apply. The grips flew off the nut and my left hand with them. My hand came to a stop but not before snagging a piece of sheet metal creating a 2.5" cut along the big muscle controlling my thumb. I looked down through the blood and noticed that I could see the muscle fibers.

"Band AIDS!!" Shelley yelled as she ran inside as I stood outside in shock that I did something so stupid. Then, out of nowhere, I got a, “DANGER WILL ROBINSON” vibe, and my whole body got tingly and cold. Also not good. I carefully walked into Shelley’s apartment and put my hand under some running water in the kitchen sink. (Note: I’m perfectly calm) My vision stared to tunnel, and I had trouble standing. “Knock it off body! I’m fine.” I sat down and put my feet on another chair. I breathed deeply so I don’t throw up. After consulting with my sister and her roommate, we decided I needed stitches and it was off to the emergency room…

Stay tuned for more adventures in Mike’s stupid life.

Diane, I don't say it but I know you know

Do you ever hit that point where you're bummed and don't want to talk to anyone? You're better off doing your own thing and interacting with no one. I hit it all the time. What do I do when I get this way and friends still need me? I don't want to abandon them or pretend I don't care, but I simply don't have the emotional energy to support them during those times. It's hard enough to maintain my own sanity.

Some days you just need a break.

When I need to sate, I just accelerated...into oblivion

Working until 6:30 – not my favorite for a Friday
Steak with marine buddies Mike and Dan – Entertaining and “Delightfully offensive” as Jessica put it
Get together at Cristina’s with 20 other people – not so much my thing
Gym at 11:00pm - unity of thought

$120 aerating with Zach, Wizard People, Dear Reader with 3M and company – pas si pire
Block party on condo row – uber gay
Jessica calling at 12:30 and talking for an hour even though I have church meetings at 7:00am – worth it

Stake leadership “training” at 7:00am the morning where they say nothing more than “be good” and do what we ask –Selfish blood boils, but Bishop Swenson had to be there too. I mustn’t complain (too much).
Sunday School on pioneers with teacher content to read manual – Shit! Does nobody care about anything!!!! A class full of lifeless lumps. Since when was Sunday school about hoop jumping?
Elder’s Quorum – better off saying nothing at all
Dinner at Boss Jim’s with homemade clam chowder, tomato basil, tortilla soup, bread, cornbread, angel-food w/ fresh peaches, and chocolate coconut cake – Heaven. Pure and simple. My stomach will never be large enough
Ward Prayer – not today
Band of Brothers – just missed it
History Channel special on Fallujah – Having your legs filled with AK-47 fire, dragging yourself over a fallen comrade to protect him from a pineapple grenade 6 feet away, maintaining consciousness for an hour while defending your postition with a 9mm. No trite phrase comes close to doing such an event justice.

Brad Kasal, you are an ispiration. http://www.blackfive.net/main/2005/02/brad_kasal_a_us.html

Long conversation with Mike – The world sucks because nobody cares. Europe sucks because the World Wars killed the strong bloodlines. Bush sucks because he’s a politician. America sucks because we only elect politicians.
Fluid Mechanics HW – yeah right.

there's nothing new to talk about

Do you ever wonder what people see when they look at you? Sometimes it is frightening to learn that what a person sees in you is not at all what you see in you or what you expect them to see. Last night was the perfect example. I think it was the first time in years that someone has hurt my feelings. Even your good friends can totally have the wrong idea about you in certain respects. If nothing else, last night was an indication that I need to try harder to match my actions and words with my feelings and beliefs.

But then it's you I could do without

It's back together! After pulling apart my bearings, putting them back together, pulling them apart again, sonicating them in MeOH, Actone, and Toluene, attempting to use TriFlow, cleaning it off, trying again, and cleaning it off a second time, I went out and bought some speed cream. The stuff is some kind of oil, but I think it should work. I relubbed my bearings and reassembled the skate board. Now it's 2:30pm and I haven't even started my day.

Last night I stopped by the 134 girls and dropped off the Christams lights I'd been meaning to fix for two weeks. No one was home, but later, they all sent me text messages or called me. Warm fuzzies are nice.

What is love then? Taking 30 minutes to repair some crappy $10 lights. They know it, and I know it.

The western coast

So I finally did it! Score one for impulsiveness. Satuuday, I went out and bought a longboard. Granted it was the cheapest one I could find, but that's okay. That's all I need. I've been meaning to do this for about a year now. I figure I'll start simple. I'm so bad, I don't dare invite myself to go along with Steve, but once I get the bearings regreased, I'll have time to stink and get better on my own.

Should I stay at work, or should I burn up my time and go to a skate shop to find some bearing grease? Hmmm. I do have some extra time.

I saw you running away for no apparent reason cause you and I are changing for the season

An hour before class, "So we need to change labs. Can you make up these solutions?" "Sure, no problem" An hour later "my wife is having a baby, so they're all yours. I'll see you later." !!??!!??

Yeah, 15 Sr. and grad students who don't know remember a thing from freshman chemistry assigned to work on a lab of which I only know half. All things considered, we survived. I didn't look too scattered I hope. No one got their face burned off. No one drank anything poisonous. I only broke $40 in glassware.

Right now I'm sitting in my lab waiting for a solution to dissolve. Excepting The Format playing in the background combined with the seady hum of the oven filament, it's quiet and peaceful. For the first time in a while, I'm just observing. Stack glassware, ceramic furnace, old instruments, dull beige wall, 70's blue paint. For some reason, it all seems like a painting or desktop background.

Homesick at space camp

Matrix effects in an ICP; now that's an exciting thing to talk about. "So you can fit ten metals in a standard? What about wavelength overlap? How many data points do I need in my calibration curve? Will overloading the detector do any damage?" Ah yes, my job is marvelous.

Today,
KCSC
Books are good
Military presses are painful
SOP's are great fun to write